Just wanted to say thanks for all the comments guys. Knowing that people are reading my blog daily has really encouraged me to contnue this new endeavour.
* the above content should be read to oneself in a sarcastic manner.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
Slow Friday
Why does Friday drag longer than every other day of the week? Is it because you are soooooo excited not to work over the weekend and want to get the hell out of the office? Probably. And today, despite being busy, returning phone calls, e-mails and drafting tons of letters, it's still only 3:35, and I don't even have any plans this weekend? What do I really have to be excited for? Sleeping late? Well, yes because I love to sleep? Working out for hours? I guess because I'm still on this damn diet, not sure how long it will take to reach "goal weight." Am I excited because I don't have to come into my crap office for 2 entire days, hells yes!
But I can also look forward to next Friday when I will not be working at all. In anticipation of heading to Key West next Friday afternoon I've decided to take off all of Friday, because I can, and because I hate my job. So that means that Thursday will drag because Thusday will reall be my "work Friday" and my boss will probably ask me to do 10 last minute things for a case in which nothing is due for a month. Gotta love that shit.
But I can also look forward to next Friday when I will not be working at all. In anticipation of heading to Key West next Friday afternoon I've decided to take off all of Friday, because I can, and because I hate my job. So that means that Thursday will drag because Thusday will reall be my "work Friday" and my boss will probably ask me to do 10 last minute things for a case in which nothing is due for a month. Gotta love that shit.
Monday, August 20, 2007
The Pick Up Artist part 2
So, I cannot wait to see tonight's episode of the Pick Up Artist!
Last week a man named Spoon left the show. This guy was so scared to talk to girls that he cried about it to the "teacher/professionals." The teachers tried to make him feel better by saying "we used to feel like you do," "we're still scared to talk to women," "but now we get laid all the time and just get rid of the woman after we're done with her to show all women that they aren't the only ones who know how to blow someone off," "yeah we use them like they use us." Ok, they didn't really make the last 2 comments, but I'm sure that's what they're thinking because they have huge egos and now a TV show.
The teachers also taught the class that women aren't the only ones who can get their ears pierced, paint their nails, and have their hair colored. And while that is true, if I see a man whose wearing earrings and colored nail polish, the man is also usually dressed in a ball gown and singing in a cabaret show in the gay neighborhood of any major city.
Spoon eventually took himself out of the game and volunteered to go home. And Spoon I must say this to you:
Dear, with problems as big as the ones you've got, you don't need to be on VH1 embarrassing yourself in front of millions of people, you need to be in therapy. Please check into it.
Last week a man named Spoon left the show. This guy was so scared to talk to girls that he cried about it to the "teacher/professionals." The teachers tried to make him feel better by saying "we used to feel like you do," "we're still scared to talk to women," "but now we get laid all the time and just get rid of the woman after we're done with her to show all women that they aren't the only ones who know how to blow someone off," "yeah we use them like they use us." Ok, they didn't really make the last 2 comments, but I'm sure that's what they're thinking because they have huge egos and now a TV show.
The teachers also taught the class that women aren't the only ones who can get their ears pierced, paint their nails, and have their hair colored. And while that is true, if I see a man whose wearing earrings and colored nail polish, the man is also usually dressed in a ball gown and singing in a cabaret show in the gay neighborhood of any major city.
Spoon eventually took himself out of the game and volunteered to go home. And Spoon I must say this to you:
Dear, with problems as big as the ones you've got, you don't need to be on VH1 embarrassing yourself in front of millions of people, you need to be in therapy. Please check into it.
Funny, or not-so-funny news
Janitor: Co - Workers Put LSD on Pizza--A janitor at a school in New Jersey claims that his co-workers put LSD on his pizza at an office party in an attempt to kill him. The ex-janitor also says that he was bullied constantly, and the LSD incident was part of an extensive plot to kill him.
I've worked with people I couldn't stand, but I have never considered drugging them. Usually I just make fun of them in front of other people. And then when the subject of my disgust attempts to communicate with me about why I can't stand them, I ignore the offending person, making them even more aggravated. Oh how I miss that third year of law school. I wish I had saved those e-mails. Very entertaining. Here's an example:
Hey Curlatini,
Just wondering if we are ever going to hang out again? Or be friends? Maybe we can grab some coffee and talk this all out.
My response: NONE
The annoying person probably wrote me again 4 times and I ignored all of the e-mails. Hey, the kid was the most annoying person I have ever met in my life, and was so insecure that every conversation was turned into one about him. And I know for a fact there there were scores of people who thought the same as I did. So, why was he so interested in trying to be my "friend" when it was more than obvious I had no interest in that? I'm sure he's been dumped before. I feed bad for girls that are dumb enough to have actually gone out with him on a date. I guess that what beer goggles are for!
I've worked with people I couldn't stand, but I have never considered drugging them. Usually I just make fun of them in front of other people. And then when the subject of my disgust attempts to communicate with me about why I can't stand them, I ignore the offending person, making them even more aggravated. Oh how I miss that third year of law school. I wish I had saved those e-mails. Very entertaining. Here's an example:
Hey Curlatini,
Just wondering if we are ever going to hang out again? Or be friends? Maybe we can grab some coffee and talk this all out.
My response: NONE
The annoying person probably wrote me again 4 times and I ignored all of the e-mails. Hey, the kid was the most annoying person I have ever met in my life, and was so insecure that every conversation was turned into one about him. And I know for a fact there there were scores of people who thought the same as I did. So, why was he so interested in trying to be my "friend" when it was more than obvious I had no interest in that? I'm sure he's been dumped before. I feed bad for girls that are dumb enough to have actually gone out with him on a date. I guess that what beer goggles are for!
Monday, August 13, 2007
The Pick Up Artist
In addition to Rock of Love, another new show recently launched by VH1 has also piqued my interest. This gem is called the Pick Up Artist. The general idea of this show is to take a bunch of socially inept losers who have never spoken to a woman and transform them into less socially inept losers who now think about speaking to women, but still don't because of the fear of rejection.
The teacher--is the gentleman in the picture above. His name is "Mystery." But I think his name should be "Are you fucking kidding me?" Seriously, look at these pictures! This guy teaches men how to pick up women! In one picture he looks like the Cat in the Hat and in the other he looks like a character from L. Ron Hubbard's book Dyanetics. What is the purpose of the goggles? Decoration? And to make matters worse, he wears eyeliner and has long hair. Now I have 2 hard and fast rules when it comes to men, if a guy wears makeup or has hair longer than mine, they have no shot. But if this guy approached me in a bar I honestly would not know whether to laugh or cry, but I definitely would not entertain conversation with this carton of a man.
Mystery does not appear as a solo act. He rolls with a crew of "professionals." One is named Matador and the other is J-Dog. Matador actually told the girl-fearing losers that he has been a "professional" PUA (pick up artist) for 3 years. Which makes me wonder.....I'm a professional too, I wonder where Matador got his degree. He may be a fellow alumnus of one of the institutions of higher learning that I attended. Or he might be a graduate of scumbag school
There is a parallel to this show and Rock of Love. You don't know whether you are watching to make fun of the losers who are trying to "win," or you are watching to see how pathetic the people are that the losers want to be like or with.
Ok, we all knew this question was going to come up sooner or later---are they virgins? And this subject is addressed within the first 10 minutes of the first episode. Of course this is done because the producers need to throw something out there for the audience to grasp onto and nothing works better than humiliating other people! These virgins are as young as 22 and as old as 45! Why are they still virgins? Haven't they stuck around a bar until closing time? There are tons of trashed women around then who are so drunk and desperate they won't notice what the guy looks like because at that point, everything is a blur. Option 2--get a hooker. I shouldn't advocate this really because I was charged to uphold the laws of the State of Florida, but come on, if you're that desperate to have sex, just pay for it like most of the members of Congress do.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
I still can't figure this guy's hair out
Honestly, it's disturbing. What's under the bandana/cowboy hat combo? Condoms???
And I hope he's using them in his House of STDs.
Rock of Love
Ok, I love reality TV shows, but VH1's newest addition to the lineup makes me cringe. Rock of Love is a show to try to find Bret Michaels a new ho. And when casting this show, the producers had just that in mind because they offer him mostly slutty girls with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. And if the girl doesn't seem so promiscuious, she makes up for it with crazy.
Bret is now 45 and I'll admit, he's aged well. And I'm sure botox has played some part, which I am really excited about because now I have proof that if I start Botox early enough, my skin can still look wrinkle-free at 45. Ok, now that I've given him a compliment, I do have some criticizm to share.
What is going on with this man's hair????? We can't really say much for it because he's either wearing a bandana or a bandana/cowboy hat combo, but, pretty much it's always covered. We can't tell how much his harline has receeded or if he even has hair. I have a feeling he may have gone the way of Britney Spears and Paris and had extensions or plugs put in because of the hair that is showing, it looks fake and dirty. Maybe Bret is waiting to "fall in love" with on the the show sluts and then he will reveal the whole hair situation to her, kind of like how some people "save themselves" for marriage.
Now, Bret is not an innocent party in this whole thing. He encourages this crazy, wild behaviour, and doesn't seem interested in doing much more than that himself. Last night he says "when he starts partying," he can't stop. And I'm not so sure that's true, but last night he used it as an excuse to have a 4 way-sex thing with 3 of the show sluts.
The ladies:
My favorite by far was a crazy old lady named "Rodeo." I don't know if she has ever ridden a horse, but she liked to wear cowboy hats, probably because Bret does too and that's an easy way to develop a bond without having to talk to the person. Last night she really started to get on my nerves, and Bret's too, so he gave her the [cowboy] boot. She was crying in every other scene about missing her son, and Bret has kids too that he missed because he's locked in this house with crazy, lunatic sluts. And even though they both missed their kids and had yet another thing in common, it wasn't enough for Bret to keep her around. Besides, there are sluttier and crazier hoes in the house that aren't falling all over him yet. Rodeo was just an easy mark.
There was another crazy girl I can't remember, but the best part about her was the fact that she got thrown out on the first episode and refused to accept it. The "head of security" chose to remove her and a few other average looking girls during the first episode even before they got to meet Bret. I will say that I think she was the craziest-looking, and by that I mean she was hit with the ugly stick a few times and then became a junkie/alcoholic, and that just made it worse. As a "professional" maybe the "head of security" knew this chick was crazy just by looking at her, and he was right! She was so crazy that after she got kicked out, she came back to the house knocking on the door begging to be let in. If that didn't seem pathetic and embarassing enough, she then got completely wasted, tried to fight with every other girl there and then had to sleep on the couch. I think the "security professional" had great instincts to begin with, and Bret finally agreed.
Probably the craziest chick in the house was named Dallas. Dallas got the boot last week. To watch Dallas was like driving by a bad accident where people are sprawled out all over the highway. You know you shouldn't stare, but you can't help it. She was mean and nasty to everyone and even when she got kicked out of the house, she was a bitch about it. Good riddance.
Ok, then there is another chick whose name I don't know, but I'm just going to call her Bazongas because it's a fun wordshe has the biggest tits I've ever seen in my life.
There is one reason only, ok maybe 2, why this girl is still in the house and they are called Exhibit A and Exhibit B. And, I can appreciate people who want to "enchance" their appearance, but the doc who did this girl's rack needs to have his eyes checked or his medical license revoked. I think both would do this world some good.
*editor's note--I tried to upload a pic of Bazongas, but I'm too new at this and I can't figure it out. My Apologies.
Bret is now 45 and I'll admit, he's aged well. And I'm sure botox has played some part, which I am really excited about because now I have proof that if I start Botox early enough, my skin can still look wrinkle-free at 45. Ok, now that I've given him a compliment, I do have some criticizm to share.
What is going on with this man's hair????? We can't really say much for it because he's either wearing a bandana or a bandana/cowboy hat combo, but, pretty much it's always covered. We can't tell how much his harline has receeded or if he even has hair. I have a feeling he may have gone the way of Britney Spears and Paris and had extensions or plugs put in because of the hair that is showing, it looks fake and dirty. Maybe Bret is waiting to "fall in love" with on the the show sluts and then he will reveal the whole hair situation to her, kind of like how some people "save themselves" for marriage.
Now, Bret is not an innocent party in this whole thing. He encourages this crazy, wild behaviour, and doesn't seem interested in doing much more than that himself. Last night he says "when he starts partying," he can't stop. And I'm not so sure that's true, but last night he used it as an excuse to have a 4 way-sex thing with 3 of the show sluts.
The ladies:
My favorite by far was a crazy old lady named "Rodeo." I don't know if she has ever ridden a horse, but she liked to wear cowboy hats, probably because Bret does too and that's an easy way to develop a bond without having to talk to the person. Last night she really started to get on my nerves, and Bret's too, so he gave her the [cowboy] boot. She was crying in every other scene about missing her son, and Bret has kids too that he missed because he's locked in this house with crazy, lunatic sluts. And even though they both missed their kids and had yet another thing in common, it wasn't enough for Bret to keep her around. Besides, there are sluttier and crazier hoes in the house that aren't falling all over him yet. Rodeo was just an easy mark.
There was another crazy girl I can't remember, but the best part about her was the fact that she got thrown out on the first episode and refused to accept it. The "head of security" chose to remove her and a few other average looking girls during the first episode even before they got to meet Bret. I will say that I think she was the craziest-looking, and by that I mean she was hit with the ugly stick a few times and then became a junkie/alcoholic, and that just made it worse. As a "professional" maybe the "head of security" knew this chick was crazy just by looking at her, and he was right! She was so crazy that after she got kicked out, she came back to the house knocking on the door begging to be let in. If that didn't seem pathetic and embarassing enough, she then got completely wasted, tried to fight with every other girl there and then had to sleep on the couch. I think the "security professional" had great instincts to begin with, and Bret finally agreed.
Probably the craziest chick in the house was named Dallas. Dallas got the boot last week. To watch Dallas was like driving by a bad accident where people are sprawled out all over the highway. You know you shouldn't stare, but you can't help it. She was mean and nasty to everyone and even when she got kicked out of the house, she was a bitch about it. Good riddance.
Ok, then there is another chick whose name I don't know, but I'm just going to call her Bazongas because it's a fun word
There is one reason only, ok maybe 2, why this girl is still in the house and they are called Exhibit A and Exhibit B. And, I can appreciate people who want to "enchance" their appearance, but the doc who did this girl's rack needs to have his eyes checked or his medical license revoked. I think both would do this world some good.
*editor's note--I tried to upload a pic of Bazongas, but I'm too new at this and I can't figure it out. My Apologies.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Fun e-mail
While cleaning out my e-mail inbox this morning I came across a favorite e-mail of mine written by one of the attorneys in my office who I have the pleasure of working with. I thought I'd share it and then provide commentary. Enjoy. Of course, all identifying information has been redacted and replaced with more accurate titles/names.
_____________________________________________________________
Curlatini:
I had asked you to get the case law ready for the hearing on Tuesday in ABC v. XYZ. Tonight, I met with another incompetent lawyer to review the case and to my surprise there was only 1 set of the case law in the file. When preparing for a hearing, you need to make 3 sets of every case or statute you have cited. One set is for the Judge, one set is for opposing counsel and one set is for our file. Since I had to give the other incompetent lawyer the set in the file so she could prepare for the hearing, please prepare 2 more sets. Each set should included all the cases and statutes cited in our motion for rehearing. Please highlight the sections of the cases which we quote from. Please leave the two sets on my desk. I'll be in around 1:30 and I would like to see the information when I get in. Thanks for your help.
Signed,
Lawyer from my office who is incompetent and condescending
________________________________________________________________
I like how she tried to teach me a lesson in the second half of the e-mail. Meanwhile, I've worked for this firm for 3 years--in law school and now as an attorney. I think I learned how many copies of a case an attorney needs for motion argument on the 3rd day I worked here. But thanks for the refresher. I should have asked her how may copies are necessary if there are 2 attorneys on the other side. That's a toughie.
Here's how the conversation went before she sent this lovely e-mail and I completed the assignment:
Me: Do you want 3 sets of each case for the hearing?
Her: Not yet. I'm going to review each case and then decide which to use at the hearing. Just print one of each for right now.
Me: Ok, no problem.
After this conversation and receiving her nice e-mail I was needless to say, furious. And seeing as how I refuse to allow someone who is incompetent attempt to make me look like I don't know how to do my job, I replied to her e-mail. Here it is:
__________________________________________________________________
Dear Blah,
I know that in order to prepare for motion argument it is customary to print 3 copies of each case. While I have worked here for the past 3 years whenever I have helped you, the other attorney or myself prepare for motion argument, I have always printed 3 copies of all legal authority.
When you gave me this assignment, you said that you would decide which cases to cite in your motion argument and then print more copies, that you only needed 1 copy of each for now. Therefore, you should not have been surprised to see only 1 set of case law in the file as you asked me to pull only 1 set.
Love,
Curlatini
_____________________________________________________________
As an aside, when I am out and about and I tell other attorneys I work in this office, people sometimes sometimes tell me how wonderful Mrs. Incompetent is, and that she is a great lawyer. To which I ALWAYS ask if they have ever worked with her on a case. The commenter will ALWAYS answer no. And that is the reason they like her so much.
_____________________________________________________________
Curlatini:
I had asked you to get the case law ready for the hearing on Tuesday in ABC v. XYZ. Tonight, I met with another incompetent lawyer to review the case and to my surprise there was only 1 set of the case law in the file. When preparing for a hearing, you need to make 3 sets of every case or statute you have cited. One set is for the Judge, one set is for opposing counsel and one set is for our file. Since I had to give the other incompetent lawyer the set in the file so she could prepare for the hearing, please prepare 2 more sets. Each set should included all the cases and statutes cited in our motion for rehearing. Please highlight the sections of the cases which we quote from. Please leave the two sets on my desk. I'll be in around 1:30 and I would like to see the information when I get in. Thanks for your help.
Signed,
Lawyer from my office who is incompetent and condescending
________________________________________________________________
I like how she tried to teach me a lesson in the second half of the e-mail. Meanwhile, I've worked for this firm for 3 years--in law school and now as an attorney. I think I learned how many copies of a case an attorney needs for motion argument on the 3rd day I worked here. But thanks for the refresher. I should have asked her how may copies are necessary if there are 2 attorneys on the other side. That's a toughie.
Here's how the conversation went before she sent this lovely e-mail and I completed the assignment:
Me: Do you want 3 sets of each case for the hearing?
Her: Not yet. I'm going to review each case and then decide which to use at the hearing. Just print one of each for right now.
Me: Ok, no problem.
After this conversation and receiving her nice e-mail I was needless to say, furious. And seeing as how I refuse to allow someone who is incompetent attempt to make me look like I don't know how to do my job, I replied to her e-mail. Here it is:
__________________________________________________________________
Dear Blah,
I know that in order to prepare for motion argument it is customary to print 3 copies of each case. While I have worked here for the past 3 years whenever I have helped you, the other attorney or myself prepare for motion argument, I have always printed 3 copies of all legal authority.
When you gave me this assignment, you said that you would decide which cases to cite in your motion argument and then print more copies, that you only needed 1 copy of each for now. Therefore, you should not have been surprised to see only 1 set of case law in the file as you asked me to pull only 1 set.
Love,
Curlatini
_____________________________________________________________
As an aside, when I am out and about and I tell other attorneys I work in this office, people sometimes sometimes tell me how wonderful Mrs. Incompetent is, and that she is a great lawyer. To which I ALWAYS ask if they have ever worked with her on a case. The commenter will ALWAYS answer no. And that is the reason they like her so much.
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