An open letter to the creepy guy who keeps asking me out

Dear Weirdo,

You are a year older than my Dad. That's gross. You are neither handsome or rich. A combination of those two would have gotten you past the old age hurdle. You have written me several messages through my website that have all gone unanswered. Get a clue. When you tell me I am BEAUTIFUL IN ALL CAPS, it scares me. You have nothing to offer me. I finished dating someone like that and it sucks. You work at the good wine store by my house, which means I have to go there at off times, or not at all. Please get fired or quit your job so I don't have to see you anymore. I'm not going out with you so stop asking me and making it uncomfortable for everyone. Find someone your own age who is weird like you.

Very truly yours,

Curlatini, Esq.

PS-I will get a restraining order if I have to.