It's just getting better

Christ, so now the office people changed the half day policy from "work 4 hours from the time you got in the office" to "work until 1 and we're buying everyone lunch." Let me tell you what you can do with your MFing lunch. I got here at 8:15 so I could leave at 12:15. Now I have to stay an extra 45 minutes??? Shit man! I could have already gotten to that mall by then. Holy crap, I will definitely have to get the vegetarian lettuce wraps at P.F. Chang's later to reward myself for being so patient. After that I will definitely be ready for my nap!

Happy New Year

I suspect many people are not working today. Well, I hope those people are enjoying themselves! I'm at the office. I tried to be good last night by going to bed at 10:30. That's early enough, right? But then I wake up at 3 and can't go back to sleep, and as I'm finally falling back asleep at around 5:40, my power goes out! When it comes back on a few minutes later, the light on my ceiling fan clicks on and it's super bright in my room all of a sudden. FYI--Bright light is not conducive to sleeping, at least it isn't for me. So after I re-set my clock so I can wake up bright and early to be all productive on my crappy half-day, I fall asleep again around 6:15. And let me tell you it was a DEEP sleep, I was having all kinds of crazy dreams! And at 7am my alarm goes off to wake me up. NOT HAPPY.

Sidebar--why the hell am I in the office for a "half day" on December 31? Are the people in my office delusional? Are they really that greedy to think that I'm going to make them a fortune in 4 hours? Fuck that. I am too tired to even keep my eyes open at this point. I plan on trying to stay awake until 12:30, and then getting out of here to go home and nap, after I take my new suit to Banana for alterations.

So, since I had to come in today, I made a plan: go to Starbucks, download music, think about doing work, then leave. I made it to Starbucks and was ready to treat myself to a cranberry bliss bar (they are delicious, and since my diet starts tomorrow it wasn't that big of a deal), but they were out. That was a huge disappointment. I had to have a cranberry orange muffin instead, and only ate the top because, let's face it, that's the best part. Then walking back to the office I smell the stench of urine. Really disgusting, and I don't normally smell that downtown anymore. SO then it hits me, the sanitation employees of the city get the day off, and I have to work????? I'm not going to try and hide it, I'm an elitist. I shouldn't have to work it they don't. Ok, I said it. I'm mad.

If I don't sleep today there is no way I'm going to make it to Midnight. And why do I have to go out anyway? Annoying.

Political commentary update

Ok, remember last week when I was talking smack about Mike Huckabee, and the fact that his name is soooooo UNpresidential, and his family is not so much eye candy as voter-repellent? Well I found a pic of the fam and I thought people would enjoy seeing it to really understand what I was talking about.

Now, are stripes slimming, or do they just make you look like an overweight mattress (the old-timey ones that have blue stripes or the ones you have to use at sleep away camp)? I'm going to write the Huckabee campaign and suggest they issue another picture and in the new picture everyone should wear black, or just take a picture of the dog and send that one out instead. Either suggestion would be better than Exhibit A (the pic above). Right?

And the dog looks like it's trying to escape from being eaten by the family. But seriously, the family would need to eat like 25 dogs to satisfy the appetites of those two boys.

*I know I'm so mean, but that's really what everyone is thinking, don't say you aren't!

December 26, 2007

Oh crap, I think I broke my dictation machine. That is going to create a slight problem for me since I like to use the machine so I don't have to type. Someone does that for me. And today especially, I really don't want to type because I don't even want to work. In fact, I've already started thinking about when I can get out of here. I'm leaving at maybe 4. Gotta hit up the sales at Niemans and Saks. I don't care about the crowds and parking. I need to buy expensive clothing on sale, for reals , yo.

Update--the dictation machine just needed new batteries. Thank you Jesus!

Political commentary

I don't pay that much attention to the people running for president. But, now that I get up at the crack of dawn every day (it's usually still dark outside, not even dawn yet), I always catch the first half hour of the Today Show (my absolute favorite morning show. I miss Katie. Meredith is starting to grow on me. I love Matt, but I wish he wouldn't interrupt the people he's interviewing when he does "serious" interviews). For those of you that don't know, the first half hour of the Today Show is all "real news," no fluff, they save that for after 7:45am.

OK, so Mike Huckabee, Arkansas' Governor is running for president. And everyone is making a big deal out of the fact that he's a Baptist, although that's not as bad as being a polygamist Mormon. And he's making inappropriate comments jokes about Mitt Romney's religion. I have no idea what someone's religion has to do with the way they run a country. The only thing I really think is that the President should pray a lot because there is a hell of a lot of shit they can fuck up as President, like start a war for no good reason and waste billions of dollars. So, I probably wouldn't vote for an atheist. Anyway, the candidates for president are making such a big deal about what religion each of them are, and it's really stupid.

Religion alienates people, it doesn't bring them together. So when Huckabee puts these commercials together and says "what really matters [this time of year] is the celebration of the birth of Christ" WTF???? Seriously Mike Huckabee, not that I would vote for you anyway. But if I was a conservative, that comment would be a deal-breaker. I think he's lost him mind, for reals yo.

Secondly, Huckabee is not a presidenty sounding name. It sounds like a character's name from a Mark Twain novel. Huckabee doesn't command respect. You gotta have a presidenty sound name to be president. And lastly, his family is ugs. They were not blessed in the looks department. His sons are not just ugly, but fat too. Hide them. Don't show them to people before you get elected. That would be my advice to Mike if I were his campaign manager. But, I would never tell him directly. I'd make someone else tell him so they would get fired and I wouldn't. I'm smart like that.

Social life update

So, I had a date with the cute guy from the party on Saturday. It went really well. Actually I can't stop thinking about him. I like him. He's got spunk. He's not boring. He's smart. He's funny. All good qualities. He asked when he's going to see me again. I told him this weekend. I hope it happens. Maybe he'll call me tonight. (Smile)

*the current dating situation is not normal for Curlatini. But she does deserve to receive attention from a nice guy due to the fact that her dating life has been in a total drought for the past 4 years, which is , coincidentally, when she moved back to Florida from an amazing city which may or may not be Washington D.C. Not that the drought has anything to do with the men in Florida, but we all know it really does.

This is the last time I'm going to say it!

Seriously people. Do not go out drinking on a school night if you have no willpower. You will end up staying up WAY too late. And the next day at work you will look at the clock every 15 minutes, check your e-mail every 5, and continue to wish that you could just go home and not sit at your desk. Also, you might not be able to sit still for some reason. Can't figure that last one out. Of course, as always, this is just hypothetical talk/advice. Curlatini never goes out on a school night. She is a good girl and in no way still acts like she is 21 at times. Although she very seldom acts her age.

On the odd chance that you do go out on a school night, make sure not to wash your face when you get home so that you can skip the makeup routine then next morning. This move is guaranteed to save you 30 minutes. For reals, yo. I will make sure to wash my face tonight, I promise.

That sucks

This weekend the Stuck on the Palmetto blog shut down for good. Now I'm not exactly clear on the details as to why it shut down. But I do know that there was some type of "blog fight" and someone threatened to "out" one of the SOTP guys, and that kind of sucks. Some people write these blogs hoping to have a little anonymity(at least until the book comes out). And some people are VERY honest with their readers, therefore maintaining a pen name is important. So this post is disguised as a warning to my readers to NOT expose who I am. Thanks!

Comfortable

Ok, you know when you start a new job and everything is weird, because it's all new. New people, new building, new commute, getting used to everything takes a while. By now I've been at the new job for 6 weeks and I'm starting to feel comfortable, making friends, talking to people, getting to know everyone. It's kind of nice.

Working at 50%

Note to all people who throw holiday parties--Don't throw your parties on a weeknight! People have to go to work the next day, and if they are kind of hungover the work they do the next day is crap. Not that this has ever happened to me or is happening to me today.

But really, our holiday party was last night and I cannot even think straight right now. I tried to type an e-mail this morning and it took forever to write because my fingers were not flying over the keyboard as fast as they normally do, they were kind of stumbling. And, my billables today suck because, well I can't think straight to get any work done, and I'm kind of socializing more than I usually do with my fellow attorneys, which is good because I was wondering if I would be friendly with the people I work with and now I know that I will be. So, go Curlatini for making friends

Seriously though, it's almost 5pm and I don't feel great. I am getting old, I need to stop acting like I am 19 one of these days.

Oh, and guess who left me a message last night while I was getting drunk socializing with co-workers and friends at the party? The cute guy from last weekend! He wants to take me out! This weekend!

OK, I gotta go drink some wine to get rid of my hangover.

Guess who's getting deposed?

ME! I got the subpoena in the mail today. But I'm fine with it. Kind of excited actually. This is going to be fun for me, but for the attorney who set the deposition, it will probably be the hardest deposition they've ever taken. Attorneys are horrible witnesses, they like to fuck with people. Can't wait!

Christmas party distraction

So tonight is the office Christmas party and people in my office are not doing work because they are busy getting their hair done in their offices and their nails done in the salon downstairs. Now, my question is: am I supposed to make a big deal out of this party? I wore a cute dress to work, my nails are done, and come on people--my hair pretty much always looks good! Even if I'm having a bad hair day, no one notices but me. And today is a good hair day, so just use your imagination. And this morning I was too busy working to try to meet a deadline and then on a long boring conference call to get caught up in all that crap.

And, you know what else? My new boss is starting to send me to court. The other attorneys said it would never happen, but next week I have a hearing in Broward and another in West Palm. Then mediation in my guardianship case, which is scheduled for 9:30a.m.. I wish it was in the afternoon, because after it fails after about an hour, I could just go home and do something more enjoyable than work.

FYI--I issued a report in the guardianship case that is not favorable to one party and the person's attorney called me to "discuss" my report. The attorney was totally confusing the situation, mixing one comment I had made with another, even though the comments were made in totally different contexts and had nothing to do with the other. The attorney is kind of scary, says she's going to take my deposition, trying to intimidate me. And then she starts filing these motions and I read them and realize how stupid she is. She has no clue how to write. And just as she was confusing my comments and trying to make me see that her client is not really a scumbag, she did the same thing with her writing--Attempting to blend one argument with another that has no logical relationship in order to be "convincing." She sucks, end of story. So try to intimidate me you dumb, loud, bitch because now that I really know what an idiot you are, I will just be entertained when you try to get all "lawyery" on me and laugh.

But, I did run into her in the grocery store on Monday after I had just finished working out. I was incognito because I was in my gym clothes and didn't have any makeup on. So, she didn't know it was me and just so she didn't have another opportunity to possibly think it was me, I made a sharp right turn into the organic food isle and stayed there until I though the coast was clear. So, ha, take that! You can't intimidate me because I'll hide from you! They don't teach stuff like that in law school people. That's real world on-the-job training. Priceless!

End of year review

My end of year review is tomorrow for a job I've only been working at for 5.5 weeks. Anyone want to take a guess at how long it will last? My guess is 15 minutes. And we're getting bonuses then too. How much? $250? $500? Not that I'm in a desperate need for cash right now, but just curious. Meanwhile, I am looking at how much work I have to do over the next week and I want to crawl under my desk and hide. Maybe I got the migraine from stress and not from drinking excess quantities of alcohol.

Great weekend

Ok, I don't say this too much, but I had a great weekend. So great in fact that I didn't go to work yesterday.

Friday night--family Hanukkah party. Which, wasn't that "fun" per se, but it's nice to see the fam every so often.

Saturday--worked out early. Noticed that there were a lot of hot guys at the gym if earlier in the day as opposed to 3 or 4 when I normally go. *Note to self--do not sit around every Saturday and watch pointless TV until Noon or later. Go to gym immediately after waking up to meet and talk to cute guys.

After the gym my sister came up north for a little holiday shopping and snacks at P.F. Chang's (YUM!). Several hours later my holiday shopping was done. Now I just have to wrap presents (which I HATE to do).

Sat night--Party at newly married friend's house. Spoke to her earlier in the day, wanting to confirm that I was indeed going to the party by myself (I was really not looking forward to going alone, I hate to do it and it makes me feel crappy because usually everyone else has a boyfriend, husband, etc.). So, as I was driving to the party, I was not in the best of moods, and really didn't feel like going at all. But, I went because I wasted to visit with my friend and see her new place. Once I arrive she tells me immediately that there is a cute single guy there. At that point, the crappy feeling I had been experiencing while traveling to said party disappears and I'm kind of happy that the guy I'm dating (and annoyed with because he is too busy to talk to me when preparing for a big trial) is not there. I meet the afore-mentioned cute single guy and proceed to talk to him for the rest of the evening. I gave him my number, maybe he'll actually call.

Sunday--wake up aith a headache from Sat night Christmas party, possibly because I drank too much wine, but also ate nothing because I was talking to the cute guy and I try not to stuff my face in situations like that. So after taking 3 Tylenol/Advil/generic pain-relievers I feel better. Oh, I forgot to mention that I had to get up early to meet up with my sister and her friend to go on some guy's new speedy boat. Once we got on the boat, I felt better and was having a great time, which incidentally, led to my not being able to work on Monday.

The boat captain decided to take us to the sandbar at Eliott Key where we proceeded to drink beer upon beer upon beer. Really, I cannot remember another time in my life when I was such a fiend for beer. And then came the rum and coke. And then I went to dinner with my sister and drank sake. After I got home I jumped in the shower and fell into bed with soaking wet hair (I never do that, I must have been totally exhausted and passing out from beer drinking and other festivities earlier in the day). I woke up at 4 a.m. with a headache like I've never had before. I took 5 Tylenol/Advil/generic pain-relievers and tried to fall back asleep and not feel my head throbbing. It was at that time that I decided there was no way I could work on Monday. So, I woke up at 6:30a.m., and left a message for my secretary explaining that I had a terrible migraine and wouldn't be making it in. I really did, it wasn't a lie! When I finally woke up at 11:30a.m. (can't remember sleeping that late in at least 5 years) I felt better.

To make up for it, I came into work at 7:30 this morning and have been working feverishly until I decided to take a break and post this review of my weekend. Now, I feel like my week is almost over. The office Christmas party is tomorrow, meeting a friend for lunch on Thursday, attorney lunch meeting on Friday and then the weekend again. I need to schedule more social activities during the week, then maybe my work weeks will always go this fast and I won't hate working as much.

Old job talk

So, I was talking to someone from my old office and got an update on the poor guy who they hired to replace me. It seems as though he's already been fired once, but then after he was fired, showed up for work again the next day and cockface didn't have the balls to fire him again. He also called in sick the first week. Come on, was he really that "sick" or already sick of working there. Also I hear he has a problem actually spending time in the office, and he's just wierd in general.

You know, at first I was kind of puzzled, and maybe kind of hurt when the old office found someone to replace me so soon. And now I know, he's a pathetic wierdo that probably causes them even more grief than I did. Smile.

Oh, and my friend from the old office promises she will tell me more stories about the new guy at my new firm's christmas party next week. Nice.

And, sorry but I can't find the mean e-mail Cockface wrote to me, but for the sake of brevity I will tell you what went down. It was the week before Labor Day and I had plans to go to Key West. I e-mailed my boss and asked for Friday off so I could leave for key west early. He wrote me a looooong e-mail back telling me how much I suck, lack attention to detail, and if my work doesn't improve he needs to replace me. He also says that he was thinking of asking me to work this weekend (I'm sure he wasn't, but he wants to throw that in). Oh yes, and the best part was he told me that I had chosen the wrong profession. And that's only because he hadn't gotten into a fight with me before, but if he had he would have realized that there's something that takes over my body when I get mad. Oh yes, I think they call it adrenaline. And after the adrenaline hits, I am a fighting machine on auto pilot. Some people reading this might actually have witnesses this, and if I scared you, I'm sorry.

So, cockface conveniently wasn't in the office that day, so I couldn't really talk to him about this. If he was in the office, I would have asked him in person and there's no way he would have responded to me like he did in the e-mail. I guess it's just easier to be an asshole over the internet.

Here's my response, which was professional and way more toned down than my original response, which was going to be: fuck you, you bald, ugly, alcoholic. I know you are a miserable person because your wife is a total bitch that looks like Droopy the Dog and you have to stay married to her for the rest of your horrible life. The only reason your ego is so big is because you have to overcompensate for your small penis.

Here's what I wrote him:
____________________________________________________________


Cockface,

I realize from this e-mail that you are extremely frustrated with me and I apologize for my mistakes. If you talk to me about problems you have with me when they occur, it might be easier for me to be more cognizant of the problem and correct it immediately, rather than waiting for an e-mail like today's that insults me and threatens my employment here.

I have been letting some personal issues distract me lately. I am sorry. I am willing to work harder on that so that my concentration is more focused. However, I also have some frustrations with this office that may have consequently affected the way I work too. Mainly, the way I am spoken to sometimes is extremely offensive to me. I have only been practicing law for a year. You knew when you hired me that I was fresh out of law school. I don't know everything; I need to have things explained to me sometimes, and I need more direction and guidance. I would like to feel free to come to you and ask you questions so I do not repeat any rookie mistakes. The only problem is when spoken to in a condescending manner, it doesn't encourage me to do better or teach me anything.

Before I started working here we all went to lunch at the Tower Club and I told you that I needed time from you, i.e. mentorship to enable me to become a good attorney. While I have learned a lot from working here, I have not had as much "time" as I was looking for. You and Ilene are very busy, I understand that, constantly on the phone, returning e-mails, etc. Sometimes I don't feel comfortable approaching you because your door is closed or you ignore me when we're in the office. Maybe I need to make it more clear when I have a question or need guidance.

Things have really picked up this week, but in the weeks preceding this one it has been a little slow. You have even told me your practice has never been so slow. If you are feeling overwhelmed with work right now, then give me more and I will do it to the best of my ability. Or if you prefer I come to you when I need more to work on, I can do that as well.

I agree that things need to change. I will do better, but do you think you could be conscious of the issues I've raised? If I can raise the bar on my work and we can straighten things out then that would be great. We can continue this conversation tomorrow if you like, but I do not think that further e-mail exchanges would be productive at this point. I would prefer talking to you in person.
_________________________________________________________________

That was good, right? Seriously, did he really think he was going to talk to me like that and not get a response? Don't forget, I'm an attorney and I like to fight.

Bad Kissers

There has been a lot of talk this week about bad kissers, due to a cnn.com article entitled "Why Bad Kissers Don't Get to Second Base." There's been talk on the morning radio shows, and the Today show will probably do a hard-hitting piece on it soon. So I decided to share my own story as the recipient of a bad kiss........

I once didn't go out with a guy again because he was such a bad kisser. We went out to dinner, and then had drinks at a bar. I guess we had a nice time, but it was probably about 7 years ago and it's kind of hard to remember. In fact, I don't even remember the guy's name, but I DO remember the kiss. He kissed me at the end of the date. He slobbered all over my face. It was disgusting. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to run inside and bathe in anti-bacterial gel. I tried to get away from him by leaning backwards. But the more I leaned back, the more he leaned forward, and at the end of the kiss, I was almost totally bent over backwards. Now, I guess he wanted to go out again or he still liked me after the kiss because he kept calling and I kept ignoring the calls. Finally I had a friend answer the phone and tell the guy I was at my "boyfriend's" house. And I never had to endure another slobbery back bend kiss again!

On the other hand, while I have had some not so great first kisses (and by not so great I mean that they were 90% better than the slobbery back bend), I went out with the guy again and the next kiss after that was fantastic. So I think that unless you are the recipient of the "slobbery back bend," if you like someone enough, give them another opportunity at the kiss. If it's still bad, sleep with them, and if THAT is bad, then dump them by saying "it's not you, it's me."

And, I'm back!

Ok everyone,

I know that you have been soooooo bored due to the derth of postings on this site, and I apologize. OK. Except when I say I apologize, imagine me saying it to the tune of the Timbaland and someone song "Apologize." Whenever I hear that song I think, that is a remix? What the hell did the original sound like? The remix just has Timba (we're friends I can call him that) making some weird noise like he was wounded by an arrow.

I know this is short, but I gotta run downstairs and get to the gym in my new office building which I really like.

I still want to post the e-mail from cockface. I will look for it and try to post tomorrow, so you all have something to look forward to. You're welcome!

Go me!

Guess what everyone? This is the day I've been waiting for. Today I quit my job!!!!!! Yea! Woo hoo!!!!



I got a offer from the Miami firm on Friday. I accepted today, and now I'm waiting for my boss to get back from lunch to break the good news to him. I wrote him a letter too, so everything is official.



I can't wait to tell him. I wonder if I'll be able to stop smiling.

Dear Everyone

Possible announcement of good news forthcoming this afternoon. Actually, I'll probably receive it this afternoon, but not announce it until Monday.

The Miami firm called. They want me to come in again, I thought for an interview. They asked me to come in today. Since it's Friday, I'm wearing jeans, but nice jeans, and I said I'm not really dressed for an interview. So we scheduled something for Monday. But the firm called back and said just come in today, it's casual Friday there too and I won't be disappointed!!!!!

I can't stop smiling and by saying I won't be disappointed I hope they mean--$$$!

Are all secretaries annoying?

Or just mine? Or is it that this week our file clerk has been out, which means that my secretary has no one to talk to and since my door is usually open, she now talks to me non-stop. I can't take it, I'm going to just have to shut my door from now on no matter what is going on in the office like my boss.

This morning I got in, just wanted to say a quick hello to her and then get to work. Instead, I'm sucked into the black hole of conversations about how she sold her 20 year old Louis Vuitton bag on e-bay and now the buyer is giving her a hard time. She then drags out pages of e-mails which she reads aloud to me. By then end of the reading, I am totally aggravated with the secretary's buyer and the secretary. I give her this advice: "You're being too nice. Tell the buyer to fuck off and re-list the item. I think you just like complaining about this and I'm tired of hearing about it." Oops, I kind of lost my cool at the end but I really cannot stand to hear her endless complaining about everything under the sun.

*see list in previous posts of my secretary's favorite topics to complain about.

She also has an abundance of time to search the internet and comment on current events and news, but seems to have no time lately to empty my outbox so that I can actually do work and things in the office can be filed in a timely manner. Weird.

Thursday night TV

Is it weird that I look forward to Thursday night TV? The other 2 shows that I loved (Sex and the City & the Sopranos) are over forever. I can, and usually watch Everybody Loves Raymond re-reuns as much as possible. Hey, that show may be directed to people that are actually married and have kids, but it's funny.

So now I look forward to Thursdays and the Office. This season the episodes have been a hour each, which is great and helps me with my concentration. It is hard for me to focus on anything for an hour, so these hour episodes not only entertain me, but also help me cope with the ADD that I still have at 30 years old. Multi-tasking, I like it!

My boss' wife

I can't stand her. She's annoying, expects everyone to be at her beck and call, and does not respect another person's personal space. She stands way too close to me when she's talking. She asks me to do things that take way more time than they should because whoever I'm talking to invariably has to talk to her to get some sort of authorization for release of finances. And also, she thinks I have every detail of all of her cases memorized, even though I know she doesn't.

And you know what else? She is in dire need of a face lift. Sorry to say it, but come on. I know they have the money to afford it. Just get the procedure and you will no longer look like Dopey the Dog's grandmother. Seriously, you can't even put on make-up with out your wrinkles getting in the way. I know she may be considering a "lifestyle lift," which is the poor woman's solution to a face lift. But, at this point the "lifestyle lift" won't give her what she needs--the result of AN ACTUAL FACELIFT. Seriously, take care of that, other people have to look at you. That's it, that's all I have to say on this subject.

*The picture is not actually of my boss' wife. She's not that pretty and her wrinkles are worse.

A possible light at the end of the tunnel

Ok, the Miami firm called on Friday. They are interested in me. They are still hammering out details with the new partner. They asked what I make now and how much I'd like to make. I asked for 15 K more, but said that's not a deal-breaker. I think they'll give it to me. They said they would get back to me in a week or two. Great!

Plus, my boss has been super busy, leaving the office early, which means I have been able to work out regularly and I'm happier. Plus, he's been confronting me about things in the office that aren't my fault and are stupid and I've been talking back, because he's wrong and I can't let people treat me like shit anymore. It feels good. Smile.

How your mood affects other things

Does this ever happen to you?

You're annoyed or in a bad mood and you just start getting annoyed with every other thing or person that you encounter.

That's me right now. Or maybe I'm just annoyed with someone who's just annoying. It's my secretary. She talks, and talks, and talks. She never shuts up. She tells me all about Charlie Sheen and how she loves his TV show, and tells me that in real life he's just like the character she plays on the show. Wow, I had no idea she was personal friends with Charlie Sheen. Amazing.

The, she'll complain that she has no work to do. So, I give her work to do and it just sits there while she cruises the internet for information to confirm her suspicions that George Clooney is gay.

Once my boss, Cockface, comes into the office and gives her things to do, she wants to quit her job because she hates doing work, I think. And, her cell phone rings 5 times a day, and of course the ringer is on the loudest setting. And when it rings, she is so annoyed that people are calling and bothering her. My suggestion would be to turn down the ringer, so as not to bother people who are attempting to work, and not answer the phone until after work, like most professionals do. Now I know she's not a professional, but I am sick of hearing her conversations every day about:

how she's turning 50

how much she loves her dog

all the unnecessary crap she buys from HSN and QVC

how she never leaves the house because she loves her dog so much

how her dog has a haircut like Rod Stewart

how she doesn't talk to her mother

how rich her parents are

how rich her ex-husband is

that she still talks to her ex-husband even though he used to beat the crap out of her

how so many men want to go out with her

how she won't go out with anyone because she needs to lose 15 pounds

how much clothing she has in her closet

that she's starting a new business on ebay.

Ok, that list is pretty exhaustive. If a new topic emerges, I will be sure and let everyone know because I'm sure I will hear about it 15 times.

Something's Fishy

A boat is chartered to go to Bimini. The clients are a 19 year-old Cuban boy and a 35 year-old Southerner. They pay $4000 cash for the trip. The boat leaves for Bimini Saturday morning with the two clients and four crew members. The authorities are contacted on Sunday when the boat doesn't return on time and family hasn't heard from the crew members.

Monday--the boat is found adrift and the Coast Guard stated the contents of the boat were left in a complete mess. The two clients were found in the boat's only life raft. The crew has not been found yet. The Boat's GPS system shows the boat never made it to Bimini.

I have a feeling there is some connection to drugs. And if that's the case, you can rent a boat without a captain for less than $4000. Was there really a need to involve 4 other people? Or kill 4 other people? Come one? The 19 year old and 35 year old are criminals, but how many crimes does someone want to get charged with? It's called mitigating your damages, look into it.

Wish me luck!

I have my second interview with a Miami firm today. Maybe I'll get the job and can quit my crappy one.

But also, this idea of moving to Denver hasn't gone away. I applied to be a law professor at the University of Denver. What am I doing?

My thought was that if I'm going to be an eternal pessimist, at least I should do it somewhere pretty and less stressful than nasty south Florida. Looking at mountains every day might have a calming effect. I even feel better when I think of looking at mountains every day. Sigh......

Silly things to get mad about

So listen, my secretary, while she can be great sometimes, most of the time she is just plain annoying. I know she just complains for attention, and I normally ignore it. Sometimes it gets so bad that I close my door because the whining is just too much for me. But today while making photocopies I got cornered, and was forced to listen to the latest complaint. Ready?

She was fuming because someone put a six-pack of soda in the refrigerator without removing the plastic holding the six-pack together!

How dare someone do that! Outrageous! They should be shot!

I think I'll bring a six-pack to work tomorrow:)

You know what is so annoying?

When you have to dial a 1-800 number and the 1-800 is followed by words like:

INFO CTR

or any other 7 letter combination. [I was going to list more, but I just can't think of any right now.] Isn't it easier for the caller to just dial a number? Figuring out which letter corresponds to which number is annoying and takes much longer than just simply dialing the NUMBER.

I have so many other things to waste my time being annoyed at, please stop 1-800-LETTERS, people don't like it. Thank you.

Dan Rather, what took so long?

You'd be smiling like this too if you're chances of winning 70 Million were as good as his. Dan, your employer used you as the fall guy in the botched reporting of President Bush's National Guard service. They embarrassed you worldwide, pretty much ended your career that's lasted decades, and then fired your ass. Someone at CBS really did not like you. They could have chosen to fire an executive producer (like CBS did with Katie Couric's ratings so low--I still love Katie, though). If that happened me, I would have filed suit as soon as my hangover subsided. But you waited 2.5 years! What the heck took you so long man? Maybe we can blame it on your age. Let's not mince words, you're old. You might have forgotten. But, that is being VERY generous to you.

You used to be a tenacious, aggressive journalist who wasn't afraid of asking tough questions and basically pissing people off to uncover the real story. Acting like that takes balls. What happened to yours when you got fucked by CBS? Ok, we'll use old age as the reason again. I guess old age really shrinks your balls and by 75, there's really nothing left. I'd have to guess that at this point, since it took you so long to pull the trigger on suing CBS, your balls have to be no bigger than pencil erasers. Sorry, but someone had to say it.

After all of my insults and name calling, Mr. Rather, I wish you the best of luck in your revenge suit. If you'd like to read more on this, please see the New York Times article posted below.

_________________________________________________________________

CBS Is Sued by Rather Over Ouster


Published: September 20, 2007
Dan Rather, whose career at CBS News ground to an inglorious end 15 months ago over his role in an unsubstantiated report questioning President Bush’s Vietnam-era National Guard service, filed a lawsuit yesterday against the network, its corporate parent and three of his former superiors, including Sumner M. Redstone, the executive chairman of CBS.

Mr. Rather, 75, asserts that the network violated his contract by giving him insufficient airtime on “60 Minutes” after forcing him to step down as anchor of the “CBS Evening News” in March 2005.
He also contends that the network committed fraud by commissioning a “biased” and incomplete investigation of the flawed National Guard broadcast in order to “pacify the White House.”
Asked yesterday in his lawyer’s office why he was taking such action now, Mr. Rather said he had been unable to let go of numerous lingering questions about the Guard report and CBS’s handling of its fallout. In recent months, he said he had even assembled “a team” of associates at his own expense — he declined to say whether it included private investigators — that had turned up new information. Among his findings, he said, was that a private investigator hired by CBS after the report’s broadcast had unearthed evidence that might exonerate him, at least in part.
“I’d like to know what really happened,” he said, his eyes red and watering. “Let’s get under oath. Let’s get e-mails. Let’s get who said what to whom, when and for what purpose.”
The suit, which seeks $70 million in damages, names as defendants CBS and its chief executive, Leslie Moonves; Viacom and its executive chairman, Mr. Redstone; and Andrew Heyward, the former president of CBS News. In a statement CBS said, “These complaints are old news and this lawsuit is without merit.” Mr. Heyward said he would not comment beyond the CBS statement. A Viacom spokesman said he had no comment.
In the suit, filed in State Supreme Court in Manhattan, Mr. Rather charges that CBS and its executives made him “a scapegoat” in an attempt placate the Bush administration, though the formal complaint presents virtually no direct evidence to that effect.
To buttress this claim, Mr. Rather quotes the executive who oversaw his regular segment on CBS Radio as telling Mr. Rather in November 2004 that he was losing that slot, effective immediately, because of “pressure from ‘the right wing.’ ” Mr. Rather also continues to take vehement issue with the appointment by CBS of Richard Thornburgh, an attorney general in the administration of the elder President Bush, as one of the two outside panelists given the job of reviewing how the disputed broadcast had been prepared.
For both Mr. Rather and CBS, the filing of the suit threatens to once again focus attention on one of the darker chapters in the history of the network and its storied news division, at a moment when its flagship evening news program continues to lag. Mr. Rather’s permanent successor as evening news anchor, Katie Couric, has remained stuck in third place in the network news ratings since taking over the broadcast a year ago. She has not only attracted fewer viewers than Charles Gibson of ABC and Brian Williams of NBC, but has thus far failed to bring in the new viewers that were part of her mandate.
The portrait of Mr. Rather that emerges from the 32-page filing bears little resemblance to his image as a hard-charging newsman.
By his own rendering, Mr. Rather was little more than a narrator of the disputed broadcast, which was shown on Sept. 8, 2004, on the midweek edition of “60 Minutes” and which purported to offer new evidence of preferential treatment given to Mr. Bush when he was a lieutenant in the Air National Guard.
Instead of directly vetting the script he would read for the Guard segment, Mr. Rather says, he acceded to pressure from Mr. Heyward to focus instead on his reporting from Florida on Hurricane Frances, and on Bill Clinton’s heart surgery.
Mr. Rather says in the filing that he allowed himself to be reduced to little more than a patsy in the furor that followed, after CBS concluded that the report had been based on documents that could not be authenticated. Under pressure, Mr. Rather says, he delivered a public apology on his newscast on Sept. 20, 2004 — written not by him but by a CBS corporate publicist — “despite his own personal feelings that no public apology from him was warranted.”
The panel led by Mr. Thornburgh, as well as Louis Boccardi, a former chief executive of The Associated Press, did not single out Mr. Rather for the broadcast’s failures, but did fault several producers and executives for rushing the report to broadcast without sufficient vetting. Mr. Rather now leads a weekly news program on HDNet, an obscure cable channel in which he is seen by a small fraction of the millions of viewers who once turned to him in his heyday.
Mr. Rather’s suit seeks $20 million in compensatory damages and $50 million in punitive damages. Among the pivotal points of contention in his complaint are the definitions of the words “full-time” and “regular.” As quoted in the filing, Mr. Rather’s contract — which he signed in 2002, and which stipulated he be paid a base salary of $6 million a year as anchor — entitled him to a job as a “full-time correspondent” with “first billing” on the midweek edition of “60 Minutes,” should he leave the anchor chair before March 2006.
As it turned out, Mr. Rather did leave the anchor chair a year early, and was indeed reassigned to “60 Minutes II.” When that broadcast was canceled a few months later, Mr. Rather’s contract called for him to move to the main “60 Minutes” broadcast on Sunday evening, where he would “perform services on a regular basis as a correspondent.”
During the 2005-6 television season, Mr. Rather had eight segments broadcast on the main “60 Minutes,” half that of other correspondents.
“He was provided with very little staff support, very few of his suggested stories were approved, editing services were denied to him, and the broadcast of the few stories he was permitted to do was delayed and then played on carefully selected evenings, when low viewership was anticipated,” the filing contends.
Theodore O. Rogers, the head of the labor and employment group for the law firm of Sullivan & Cromwell, said that this could be the strongest of Mr. Rather’s arguments.
“Potentially, if he could point to evidence that when they negotiated, there was an established meaning of ‘regular’ that was breached, there could be a claim,” said Mr. Rogers, who is not involved in the case. Among the most egregious indignities he suffered, Mr. Rather says, was the network’s response to his request to be sent as a correspondent to the scene of Hurricane Katrina in the fall of 2005.
“Mr. Rather is the most experienced reporter in the United States in covering hurricanes,” his lawyers write in the suit. “CBS refused to send him,” thus “furthering its desire to keep Mr. Rather off the air.”

History repeats itself

Is this the infamous "hole" of Alcatraz prison, or my office?






This is what nicer offices look like.


HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF

Whoever came up with that phrase was a very observant person, because it's so true. I don't know why I have such a selective memory sometimes, but my nice friends are there to remind me. Specifically, they remind me how much I disliked working for my boss (Cockface) and his wife in law school.


Then, I stupidly accepted a PERMANENT position at this horrid firm as an attorney. I knew from the beginning that I would regret the decision, but I needed the money and had no other job offers. And now I really regret the decision as my boss has taken to treating me as his law slave instead of his associate. Both positions have similar duties. The only thing that makes the difference is the level of respect with which you are treated.


For example, if you are the law slave you get to work around 8:30 in the morning, just because you're afraid your boss might call for you to fax a motion to opposing counsel, give him a very important phone number, or run to the courthouse to announce he's going to be late for court. The the law slave will sit around most of the day doing very unimportant things and dreaming about not working here anymore. Around 5:50 or 6, the law slave will start to get excited because she thinks she may be able to escape from hell for the day at a normal time. But then Cockface walks into her office to continue revision of a Motion that has been hanging around for 10 days and has yet to be filed. So, instead of giving her work during the day when she doesn't have much to do, Cockface gives her work at the end of the day when it's convenient for him. Then he will cheerily say goodnight, leaving the law slave to finish the work and stay until 7:30 or 8, which is way later than she needed to stay. Basically Cockface has no respect for the law slave's time, thinking that she is only there to wait on him and serve his every command. I don't think he realizes that when he rolls into the office at Noon or 1pm, the law slave has already been here for HOURS. Asshole.


An associate would get to the office around 8:30 and leave around 6. She would be busy doing important work all day and not feel like the back-up secretary.





I'm the law slave.


PS--after Cockface was such a jerk a couple of weeks ago and threatened to fire me (a tactic that encourages maximum productivity), I am now totally paranoid that he is going behind my back interviewing other people. Of course, I am interviewing at other firms, but I want to dump him not the other way around.


I'm forgetting what it's like to be happy. I used to like to socialize, go to the gym, smile. Now I like to sit at home alone and be sad. This is the worst possible place for me to work. EVER.

Yom kippur

Yom kippur begins Friday at sundown. This is one of the "High Holy days" in the Jewish religion. It is considered one of the holiest and most solemn days of the year. While I am not the most religious of Jews, I usually observe Yom Kippur.

I was thinking about possibly not fasting this year, because I haven't been that "bad" this year. But considering my last post and many recent bad thoughts and comments about my boss I'm going to fast because maybe I need to be kinder and more understanding of people even if they aren't that way to me. I need to stop treating people how they treat me.

I should just try to be a good person and maybe things will pay off at some point. Ok, there's a goal for the next Judaic year, try to be a better person. If you are a Jew, you get 2 chances for new year's resolutions. Nice.

Good morning sunshine!

Hi All. Hope everyone had a good weekend. I did too, thanks for asking.

I was getting ready for work this morning around 8:30 when my lovely boss called to wish me a good morning.

"Where are you?" He asks.

"I'm just about to leave my house." I say.

"How far away from the courthouse are you?" He asks. I begin to wonder where this conversation will lead.

"It will take about 40 minutes for me to get there." I say.

He then says "A truck just hit my car [he just got into a car accident a few months ago that was a result of his bad driving.] I'll just have to call the Judge's JA and tell her and explain what happened."

I say "OK, bye." And don't ask how he's doing, what he wanted me to do at the courthouse, or anything else relating to him or the accident. You know, because I really could care less.

The first thing I think after hanging up the phone: I know my boss is a huge baby and will leave early from work because he's sooooo exhausted from getting up early and he will also want to take his car into the shop be cause he just CANNOT drive his car with a scratch on it. I then think, "YES! I can leave work early or at a normal hour because he won't be looking over my shoulder and threatening to fire me."

Then I think, "What the fuck did Cockface expect me to do at the courthouse?"

Idea #1: Me: "Good morning Judge, Cockface has a hearing scheduled for this morning, but he's a bad driver, got in a car accident, and he's going to be a little late." What is the point of that? You don't score extra points by treating your associate like a slave and having them personally announce that you will be late.

Idea #2: Me: "Good morning Judge's JA, Cockface has a hearing scheduled for this morning, but he's a bad driver, got in a car accident, and he's going to be a little late." See comment following Idea #1.

Idea #3: Just call the Judge's JA and explain the situation. This is something that our secretary should do. I have the following degrees: J.D., M.M.C., B.A. I am not a secretary and this is not something I should have to do. Oh wait, our secretary didn't come to work today because she's "sick."

In any event he did not ask me to do any of the above-referenced possibilities. However if he had I probably would have gotten yelled at for not getting to the courthouse fast enough or for not calling the JA fast enough. Although most lawyers know that the JAs never answer the phones because annoying attorneys are always calling to bother them, it still would have been my fault. And had I been asked to physically go to the courthouse and announce that Cockface was going to be late, I would not have been moving as fast as a result of my insane workouts this weekend that have left every muscle in my body sore.

And also. our annoying, negative, complaining, pessimist secretary called out sick this morning and that's the only reason why Cockface called me in the first place. Maybe I should add hypochondriac to the list of adjectives I used to describe my secretary, because I know she's not sick, she just wants attention.

Oh how I love being the back-up secretary/law slave of this office.

*Note to self--Dear Curlatini, if you are ever fortunate to get another job and leave this God-forsaken office, make sure the new job is a place that cares a little bit about it's employees instead of not at all, and make sure you're not treated like a slave. If you are ever lucky enough to find that, thank God every day and don't take it for granted because you will no longer be employed by Cockface, and for that you should be grateful.

Ironic

For those of you who don't know, I've been having a little trouble at work lately. Mainly, my boss is a total asshole who likes to hide behind his computer and call me names and insult me instead of speaking to me in person. Let's face is, he's a pussy and could never say those things to my face. Anyway, because of this recent exchange between he and I, I've been working my ass off, staying really late every night and working all weekend. Oh, and I've seriously started looking for a new job.

So, in the elevator this morning another attorney says to me "you must be a glutton for punishment, I leave at 6:30 or 7 every night and your car is always still here." Well, it's nice that at least someone noticed.

I'm really looking forward to leaving this job. For many reasons: I've been really depressed ever since I started working here, it is way more stressful than it should be, it has driven me to drink and avoid doing things I used to enjoy (the gym, socializing, being happy), and I've gained weight because of it all too. So, I'll try to have a good attitude when I come in here every day because I know that I will eventually be able to leave this place and try to be happy again. But then I worry every day that when I come in he's going to fire me. So, I'm trying to leave him before he dumps me. Wow this is starting to sound like a "relationship." Gross

I'm still considering posting the e-mail exchange between me and the cockface I work for, maybe then you all will see what it's like to work in such a nurturing, warm, collegial environment (the preceding phrase should be read in a sarcastic manner).

Stupid people that we have to share oxygen with

Carlos Manuel Fuentes, 27, charged with aggravated child abuse.

Upset at his wife because she cut her hair without his permission, Carlos Manuel Fuentes got drunk and hit her 6-week-old child over the head with a beer bottle, Homestead police said.
Fuentes, 27, of 225 NE 13th St., was charged over the weekend with aggravated child abuse. He is being held at Miami-Dade County Jail with no bond.
According to a police report, the child's mother called police. The child suffered a cut to the top of the head and was treated by paramedics before being taken to the hospital.
Homestead police found broken glass from the beer bottle inside the child's room. Fuentes was ''severely drunk'' and his breath and body reeked of a ``strong odor of alcohol.''
Fuentes ''spontaneously uttered that he didn't mean to do it but he was just upset at his wife for cutting her hair without his permission,'' the arrest report says.
The arrest was made by Homestead Officer Juan Senabre. It was not clear from the report that Fuentes is the child's father.

__________________________________________________________________

The above article is another example of a moron that lives in South Florida. This is not an example of my experiments with fiction that I sometimes like to experiment with. This guy actually got mad at his wife because she cut her hair without his permission. Um, Senora Fuentes, get some confidence and leave this burracho loser. From his behavior, this isn't probably the first time there's been violence in your household.

To the drunk: Did you really say you didn't mean to do it, but you were mad at your wife because of the whole hair thing? That's what we call an incriminating statement. You didn't mean to hit a 6 week old baby over the head with a beer bottle? Excuse me, but you hit the kid hard enough to break the bottle. So, can't really argue it was an accident. In Florida we call it child abuse. And I call you a worthless waste of sperm and egg.

Comments

Just wanted to say thanks for all the comments guys. Knowing that people are reading my blog daily has really encouraged me to contnue this new endeavour.

* the above content should be read to oneself in a sarcastic manner.

Slow Friday

Why does Friday drag longer than every other day of the week? Is it because you are soooooo excited not to work over the weekend and want to get the hell out of the office? Probably. And today, despite being busy, returning phone calls, e-mails and drafting tons of letters, it's still only 3:35, and I don't even have any plans this weekend? What do I really have to be excited for? Sleeping late? Well, yes because I love to sleep? Working out for hours? I guess because I'm still on this damn diet, not sure how long it will take to reach "goal weight." Am I excited because I don't have to come into my crap office for 2 entire days, hells yes!

But I can also look forward to next Friday when I will not be working at all. In anticipation of heading to Key West next Friday afternoon I've decided to take off all of Friday, because I can, and because I hate my job. So that means that Thursday will drag because Thusday will reall be my "work Friday" and my boss will probably ask me to do 10 last minute things for a case in which nothing is due for a month. Gotta love that shit.

The Pick Up Artist part 2

So, I cannot wait to see tonight's episode of the Pick Up Artist!

Last week a man named Spoon left the show. This guy was so scared to talk to girls that he cried about it to the "teacher/professionals." The teachers tried to make him feel better by saying "we used to feel like you do," "we're still scared to talk to women," "but now we get laid all the time and just get rid of the woman after we're done with her to show all women that they aren't the only ones who know how to blow someone off," "yeah we use them like they use us." Ok, they didn't really make the last 2 comments, but I'm sure that's what they're thinking because they have huge egos and now a TV show.

The teachers also taught the class that women aren't the only ones who can get their ears pierced, paint their nails, and have their hair colored. And while that is true, if I see a man whose wearing earrings and colored nail polish, the man is also usually dressed in a ball gown and singing in a cabaret show in the gay neighborhood of any major city.

Spoon eventually took himself out of the game and volunteered to go home. And Spoon I must say this to you:

Dear, with problems as big as the ones you've got, you don't need to be on VH1 embarrassing yourself in front of millions of people, you need to be in therapy. Please check into it.

Funny, or not-so-funny news

Janitor: Co - Workers Put LSD on Pizza--A janitor at a school in New Jersey claims that his co-workers put LSD on his pizza at an office party in an attempt to kill him. The ex-janitor also says that he was bullied constantly, and the LSD incident was part of an extensive plot to kill him.

I've worked with people I couldn't stand, but I have never considered drugging them. Usually I just make fun of them in front of other people. And then when the subject of my disgust attempts to communicate with me about why I can't stand them, I ignore the offending person, making them even more aggravated. Oh how I miss that third year of law school. I wish I had saved those e-mails. Very entertaining. Here's an example:

Hey Curlatini,

Just wondering if we are ever going to hang out again? Or be friends? Maybe we can grab some coffee and talk this all out.

My response: NONE

The annoying person probably wrote me again 4 times and I ignored all of the e-mails. Hey, the kid was the most annoying person I have ever met in my life, and was so insecure that every conversation was turned into one about him. And I know for a fact there there were scores of people who thought the same as I did. So, why was he so interested in trying to be my "friend" when it was more than obvious I had no interest in that? I'm sure he's been dumped before. I feed bad for girls that are dumb enough to have actually gone out with him on a date. I guess that what beer goggles are for!

The Pick Up Artist

In addition to Rock of Love, another new show recently launched by VH1 has also piqued my interest. This gem is called the Pick Up Artist. The general idea of this show is to take a bunch of socially inept losers who have never spoken to a woman and transform them into less socially inept losers who now think about speaking to women, but still don't because of the fear of rejection.

The teacher--is the gentleman in the picture above. His name is "Mystery." But I think his name should be "Are you fucking kidding me?" Seriously, look at these pictures! This guy teaches men how to pick up women! In one picture he looks like the Cat in the Hat and in the other he looks like a character from L. Ron Hubbard's book Dyanetics. What is the purpose of the goggles? Decoration? And to make matters worse, he wears eyeliner and has long hair. Now I have 2 hard and fast rules when it comes to men, if a guy wears makeup or has hair longer than mine, they have no shot. But if this guy approached me in a bar I honestly would not know whether to laugh or cry, but I definitely would not entertain conversation with this carton of a man.

Mystery does not appear as a solo act. He rolls with a crew of "professionals." One is named Matador and the other is J-Dog. Matador actually told the girl-fearing losers that he has been a "professional" PUA (pick up artist) for 3 years. Which makes me wonder.....I'm a professional too, I wonder where Matador got his degree. He may be a fellow alumnus of one of the institutions of higher learning that I attended. Or he might be a graduate of scumbag school

There is a parallel to this show and Rock of Love. You don't know whether you are watching to make fun of the losers who are trying to "win," or you are watching to see how pathetic the people are that the losers want to be like or with.

Ok, we all knew this question was going to come up sooner or later---are they virgins? And this subject is addressed within the first 10 minutes of the first episode. Of course this is done because the producers need to throw something out there for the audience to grasp onto and nothing works better than humiliating other people! These virgins are as young as 22 and as old as 45! Why are they still virgins? Haven't they stuck around a bar until closing time? There are tons of trashed women around then who are so drunk and desperate they won't notice what the guy looks like because at that point, everything is a blur. Option 2--get a hooker. I shouldn't advocate this really because I was charged to uphold the laws of the State of Florida, but come on, if you're that desperate to have sex, just pay for it like most of the members of Congress do.

I still can't figure this guy's hair out

Honestly, it's disturbing. What's under the bandana/cowboy hat combo? Condoms???

And I hope he's using them in his House of STDs.

Guess who this is????

BAZONGAS

Rock of Love

Ok, I love reality TV shows, but VH1's newest addition to the lineup makes me cringe. Rock of Love is a show to try to find Bret Michaels a new ho. And when casting this show, the producers had just that in mind because they offer him mostly slutty girls with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. And if the girl doesn't seem so promiscuious, she makes up for it with crazy.

Bret is now 45 and I'll admit, he's aged well. And I'm sure botox has played some part, which I am really excited about because now I have proof that if I start Botox early enough, my skin can still look wrinkle-free at 45. Ok, now that I've given him a compliment, I do have some criticizm to share.

What is going on with this man's hair????? We can't really say much for it because he's either wearing a bandana or a bandana/cowboy hat combo, but, pretty much it's always covered. We can't tell how much his harline has receeded or if he even has hair. I have a feeling he may have gone the way of Britney Spears and Paris and had extensions or plugs put in because of the hair that is showing, it looks fake and dirty. Maybe Bret is waiting to "fall in love" with on the the show sluts and then he will reveal the whole hair situation to her, kind of like how some people "save themselves" for marriage.

Now, Bret is not an innocent party in this whole thing. He encourages this crazy, wild behaviour, and doesn't seem interested in doing much more than that himself. Last night he says "when he starts partying," he can't stop. And I'm not so sure that's true, but last night he used it as an excuse to have a 4 way-sex thing with 3 of the show sluts.



The ladies:

My favorite by far was a crazy old lady named "Rodeo." I don't know if she has ever ridden a horse, but she liked to wear cowboy hats, probably because Bret does too and that's an easy way to develop a bond without having to talk to the person. Last night she really started to get on my nerves, and Bret's too, so he gave her the [cowboy] boot. She was crying in every other scene about missing her son, and Bret has kids too that he missed because he's locked in this house with crazy, lunatic sluts. And even though they both missed their kids and had yet another thing in common, it wasn't enough for Bret to keep her around. Besides, there are sluttier and crazier hoes in the house that aren't falling all over him yet. Rodeo was just an easy mark.

There was another crazy girl I can't remember, but the best part about her was the fact that she got thrown out on the first episode and refused to accept it. The "head of security" chose to remove her and a few other average looking girls during the first episode even before they got to meet Bret. I will say that I think she was the craziest-looking, and by that I mean she was hit with the ugly stick a few times and then became a junkie/alcoholic, and that just made it worse. As a "professional" maybe the "head of security" knew this chick was crazy just by looking at her, and he was right! She was so crazy that after she got kicked out, she came back to the house knocking on the door begging to be let in. If that didn't seem pathetic and embarassing enough, she then got completely wasted, tried to fight with every other girl there and then had to sleep on the couch. I think the "security professional" had great instincts to begin with, and Bret finally agreed.

Probably the craziest chick in the house was named Dallas. Dallas got the boot last week. To watch Dallas was like driving by a bad accident where people are sprawled out all over the highway. You know you shouldn't stare, but you can't help it. She was mean and nasty to everyone and even when she got kicked out of the house, she was a bitch about it. Good riddance.


Ok, then there is another chick whose name I don't know, but I'm just going to call her Bazongas because it's a fun word she has the biggest tits I've ever seen in my life.

There is one reason only, ok maybe 2, why this girl is still in the house and they are called Exhibit A and Exhibit B. And, I can appreciate people who want to "enchance" their appearance, but the doc who did this girl's rack needs to have his eyes checked or his medical license revoked. I think both would do this world some good.



*editor's note--I tried to upload a pic of Bazongas, but I'm too new at this and I can't figure it out. My Apologies.

Fun e-mail

While cleaning out my e-mail inbox this morning I came across a favorite e-mail of mine written by one of the attorneys in my office who I have the pleasure of working with. I thought I'd share it and then provide commentary. Enjoy. Of course, all identifying information has been redacted and replaced with more accurate titles/names.

_____________________________________________________________
Curlatini:


I had asked you to get the case law ready for the hearing on Tuesday in ABC v. XYZ. Tonight, I met with another incompetent lawyer to review the case and to my surprise there was only 1 set of the case law in the file. When preparing for a hearing, you need to make 3 sets of every case or statute you have cited. One set is for the Judge, one set is for opposing counsel and one set is for our file. Since I had to give the other incompetent lawyer the set in the file so she could prepare for the hearing, please prepare 2 more sets. Each set should included all the cases and statutes cited in our motion for rehearing. Please highlight the sections of the cases which we quote from. Please leave the two sets on my desk. I'll be in around 1:30 and I would like to see the information when I get in. Thanks for your help.



Signed,

Lawyer from my office who is incompetent and condescending

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I like how she tried to teach me a lesson in the second half of the e-mail. Meanwhile, I've worked for this firm for 3 years--in law school and now as an attorney. I think I learned how many copies of a case an attorney needs for motion argument on the 3rd day I worked here. But thanks for the refresher. I should have asked her how may copies are necessary if there are 2 attorneys on the other side. That's a toughie.





Here's how the conversation went before she sent this lovely e-mail and I completed the assignment:



Me: Do you want 3 sets of each case for the hearing?



Her: Not yet. I'm going to review each case and then decide which to use at the hearing. Just print one of each for right now.



Me: Ok, no problem.



After this conversation and receiving her nice e-mail I was needless to say, furious. And seeing as how I refuse to allow someone who is incompetent attempt to make me look like I don't know how to do my job, I replied to her e-mail. Here it is:

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Dear Blah,



I know that in order to prepare for motion argument it is customary to print 3 copies of each case. While I have worked here for the past 3 years whenever I have helped you, the other attorney or myself prepare for motion argument, I have always printed 3 copies of all legal authority.



When you gave me this assignment, you said that you would decide which cases to cite in your motion argument and then print more copies, that you only needed 1 copy of each for now. Therefore, you should not have been surprised to see only 1 set of case law in the file as you asked me to pull only 1 set.



Love,

Curlatini

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As an aside, when I am out and about and I tell other attorneys I work in this office, people sometimes sometimes tell me how wonderful Mrs. Incompetent is, and that she is a great lawyer. To which I ALWAYS ask if they have ever worked with her on a case. The commenter will ALWAYS answer no. And that is the reason they like her so much.

To the guy at the gym.....

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Happy Monday

Today started as normal as every Monday does: woke up, was in disbelief that another weekend had passed so quickly, and wished I could stay in bed until Noon.


But once I got to my office I knew that this was going to be no regular Monday, it was going to be worse. I'm told by our secretary that a hearing was scheduled for this morning, but was cancelled last Wednesday. Apparently our office decided to just mail the notice of cancellation instead of sending it via fax and mail. You know, just in case the mail was slow and opposing counsel didn't get notice of the cancellation in time.

Anyhoo, opposing counsel was at the courthouse and pissed that he didn't know the hearing was off. He said he was going to essentially tell on our office to the judge and argue the hearing without us being there.

#1-ex parte communication with the Court is frowned upon
#2-this guy is an asshole and wouldn't think twice about attempting to make us look bad
#3-the judge the case is assigned to was going to hear him!!!!????? WHAT???

So, I was told by my boss to get to the courthouse ASAP and smooth everything out. 15 minutes later I'm in the courtroom trying to get to the bottom of this mess. I'm told by the clerk that opposing counsel already spoke to the judge and the judge was going to sign a Order telling us to coordinate all hearings and depositions in the future. That didn't sound so bad, we usually try to do that any way except in this case, opposing counsel would never return calls so there was no way to coordinate hearings. Plus, this is a tactic that attorneys regularly use--you call to coordinate and every day that you have available, the other attorney will conveniently already have a hearing or deposition scheduled.

While I'm talking to the clerk, opposing counsel is sitting in the back of the courtroom, listening to everything I'm saying, yet fails to approach me to discuss (I have no idea what he looks like at this point, only to find out later when he tries to go behind my back to the judge).

So I go outside to call my boss and tell him what's going on. Only instead of saying: "we didn't have to be there anyway because the hearing was cancelled" or "thanks for getting there so quickly" or even "opposing counsel is a dick, just talk to the judge and tell him what's up" he says "What too you so long???? I called you 30 minutes ago. When I say get to the courthouse you need to go immediately!"

Let me clarify: he called me at 9:35. I got to the courthouse at 9:50. I had to bring copies to show the judge the hearing was cancelled and re-set, which meant I had to MAKE copies.

*note to self--Dear Curlatini, When the day finally comes when you are fortunate enough to accept a job at another firm and quit this one, suggest to boss that he invest in a stopwatch to make sure your replacement can make it to the courthouse more quickly than you can. Also make sure replacement candidate is wearing 4 inch heels and the outside temperature is 93 degrees and 100% humidity. Because when a person can perform in that type of environment, you know they're good, who cares if they can't write, research, or formulate a legal argument--the important thing is that they move faster than me!

So, I go back in the courtroom and tell the bailiff I need to speak to the judge. Meanwhile, opposing counsel is still sitting in the courtroom and probably praying that I give up and go back to the office. I sit patiently and wait my turn to speak to the all-powerful Oz.

My patience soon wears thin as the man sitting in the back of the courtroom gets up and asks the judge if he may approach. I hear the Clerk say "I think an attorney from the other side is here now." I now realize that the man standing before the judge is opposing counsel for my case. My opponent looks at me and then at the judge and says "Judge she's not an attorney."

WTF??????? I think steam actually came out of my ears, like in a cartoon. I couldn't believe what I just heard this man say.

At that point I rose and began to approach the bench. As I walked toward the judge and the pompous ass who was my opponent, I announced myself as defense counsel on the case and I stated my Florida Bar number. I told opposing counsel that he might want to write it down and possibly reference it in a letter of apology to me for being so disrespectful.

I then proceeded to tear this guy a new asshole, call him unprofessional, and tell the judge that when attorneys act like this jerk did it embarrasses the entire profession. I also moved for sanctions, but was denied.

The Judge then shows me the "proposed order" that my opposing counsel wanted the Judge to sign. I argued that no order should be signed at all since there was no motion before the court, the hearing was canceled, etc., etc., etc. When all was said and done, I got my way! No order from the court and made the other attorney like a total prick.

I normally do not make a habit of being so nasty to opposing counsel, but whenever I do it feels fucking great!

Justice is served!

The following is an article from today's Sun-Sentinel. I post this article for several reasons: #1. The prosecutor is a friend of mine and #2. What happened here is fucking ridiculous.

To the poor schmuck who was found guilty of exposing his sexual organs in public: you were wrongly convicted. Jail is not a public place. Last time I checked you had to do something bad to get in there. A person cannot just walk in from off the street, hang out and maybe grab a coffee. This case is easily appealable and I am volunteering to handle the appeal--this can be my pro bono case of the year, it will make my Mom proud!

To the dumb bitch prison guard who made a big deal out of the poor schmuck masturbating in prison: You are a fucking retard. Don't tell me that you are surprised people that people masturbate in jail. What else is there to do when you are locked up for a year??? You've been a prison guard for 9 years. Aren't you used to seeing activity like this yet? Better yet, didn't you engage in behavior worse than this before you found religion and were elevated to the oh-so-coveted position of prison guard? I bet back in the crack whore days you did some skanky shit.

FYI--as a judicial clerk a few years ago, I went on a tour of the Broward County Jail with other law students working in the courthouse that summer. While there we all saw a guy jacking off. Did we make a big deal about it?? NO!!!! And we were only there for an hour or 2. Was the guy probably doing it because we were all there staring at him like a caged animal? Probably. Was it directed towards us? Probably. Did we laugh it off? Yes! Listen prison guard lady, I know you are the proud mother of a 19-month-old. And you probably haven't had any sex in the last 19 months. But could you please relax? And I see you're recently been transferred. Where to? the strip search unit? Things should work out much better for you there. Good luck!!!

To my friend the great legal warrior: Great job! But, come on, his cell is not his home. Ok fine, but it kind of is his "home" for the time that he is sentenced to live there. PS--how did you keep a straight face through voir dire? The questions the defense attorney was asking were too funny. I would have laughed my way through the entire thing!!! Why didn't you call me to come watch? I have nothing but time to kill at the office. It would have been the highlight of my month. Next time you are prosecuting an alleged masturbator, please think a little less about trial prep and a little more about entertaining your friends! Our Trial Ad prof and Clinic prof will be so proud of this accomplishment. I think I will send them both an e-mail right now so they can be proud sooner. Gotta run!

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Jury convicts Broward inmate of indecent exposure in his cell
By Tonya Alanez South Florida Sun-Sentinel
July 26, 2007

The jailhouse deputy didn't bring the indecent exposure charge against the inmate until the third time he masturbated in front of her.That's what Deputy Coryus Veal told Broward County jurors Wednesday as they heard the state build its case against Terry Lee Alexander, 20.Every time he did it, he stared directly at her, said Veal, 45, a nearly nine-year veteran with the Broward Sheriff's Office and mother of a 19-month-old.
It was the deliberateness of the act that offended her, she said.Had he covered himself with a blanket, Veal said, "we wouldn't be here today."It took the four-man, two-woman jury about 45 minutes to reach a guilty verdict.The crux of deliberations was whether the jail was a public place, said juror David Sherman, a Fort Lauderdale science-fiction novelist.The jury concluded it was. "Limited access, to be sure," Sherman said, "but it's not a private place."Masturbation wasn't the issue, he said, but rather the manner in which it was done. "None of us had any problem with masturbation in private," Sherman said."It was about him exposing himself to her," said jury foreman Ed Welch, of Coral Springs.County Judge Fred Berman sentenced Alexander to 60 days in jail. He faced up to one year.Alexander was charged with indecent exposure Nov. 12 while in jail waiting to resolve an armed robbery case.He sat at the foot of his bunk alone in his cell. Veal could see Alexander, she said, from a glassed-in, centrally located control room with a direct view of inmates' cells."He was staring directly at me," she said. "I observed him long enough to recognize what he was doing and I looked away."She had looked away the first time, too, she said. That time, and the next time, he stood just outside his open cell door looking her way, she said. After the second incident, she had him moved to a cell where they could not see each other and issued this warning over the intercom: "You can do it in private where I will not be exposed to it."He soon ended up back in a more visible cell, she said.Alexander's court-appointed attorney, Kathleen McHugh, emphasized her client was 19 at the time and had been jailed for months."We're talking about a basic, innate need of all humans," McHugh said. "There's nothing shameful or vulgar about masturbation."She criticized Veal for choosing a job where she was bound to see such behavior, for construing Alexander's sexual impulses as all about her, and for being the only corrections deputy, male or female, to bring such charges against inmates.Veal has brought similar charges against eight inmates — including Alexander — from November to May. Of the seven other cases, three are pending, three have pleaded out and the state dismissed one."This is all about her," McHugh said. "Don't let this hypersensitive person define vulgar and indecent for you."She urged jurors to use "common sense" when defining a public place. "The general public is not permitted in his cell," McHugh said.Prosecutor Cynthia Lauriston countered that Alexander had no right to privacy in jail, his cell is not his home and a number of deputies, nurses, program specialists and visitors pass by the cells on any given day."We're not here to determine whether masturbation is right or wrong," she said. "We charged the defendant with exposing his sexual organs in public."Veal should not be subjected to Alexander's lewd behavior, she said. "She didn't sign up for this," Lauriston said. "It is not a part of her job. It's not expected."Twelve days after he was charged with indecent exposure, Alexander pleaded guilty to armed robbery and was sentenced to 10 years in prison. That sentence will begin after he completes the 60 days for the exposure conviction.Veal told jurors she recently asked for, and has been granted, a transfer. She did not specify her new assignment.