Happy Monday

Today started as normal as every Monday does: woke up, was in disbelief that another weekend had passed so quickly, and wished I could stay in bed until Noon.


But once I got to my office I knew that this was going to be no regular Monday, it was going to be worse. I'm told by our secretary that a hearing was scheduled for this morning, but was cancelled last Wednesday. Apparently our office decided to just mail the notice of cancellation instead of sending it via fax and mail. You know, just in case the mail was slow and opposing counsel didn't get notice of the cancellation in time.

Anyhoo, opposing counsel was at the courthouse and pissed that he didn't know the hearing was off. He said he was going to essentially tell on our office to the judge and argue the hearing without us being there.

#1-ex parte communication with the Court is frowned upon
#2-this guy is an asshole and wouldn't think twice about attempting to make us look bad
#3-the judge the case is assigned to was going to hear him!!!!????? WHAT???

So, I was told by my boss to get to the courthouse ASAP and smooth everything out. 15 minutes later I'm in the courtroom trying to get to the bottom of this mess. I'm told by the clerk that opposing counsel already spoke to the judge and the judge was going to sign a Order telling us to coordinate all hearings and depositions in the future. That didn't sound so bad, we usually try to do that any way except in this case, opposing counsel would never return calls so there was no way to coordinate hearings. Plus, this is a tactic that attorneys regularly use--you call to coordinate and every day that you have available, the other attorney will conveniently already have a hearing or deposition scheduled.

While I'm talking to the clerk, opposing counsel is sitting in the back of the courtroom, listening to everything I'm saying, yet fails to approach me to discuss (I have no idea what he looks like at this point, only to find out later when he tries to go behind my back to the judge).

So I go outside to call my boss and tell him what's going on. Only instead of saying: "we didn't have to be there anyway because the hearing was cancelled" or "thanks for getting there so quickly" or even "opposing counsel is a dick, just talk to the judge and tell him what's up" he says "What too you so long???? I called you 30 minutes ago. When I say get to the courthouse you need to go immediately!"

Let me clarify: he called me at 9:35. I got to the courthouse at 9:50. I had to bring copies to show the judge the hearing was cancelled and re-set, which meant I had to MAKE copies.

*note to self--Dear Curlatini, When the day finally comes when you are fortunate enough to accept a job at another firm and quit this one, suggest to boss that he invest in a stopwatch to make sure your replacement can make it to the courthouse more quickly than you can. Also make sure replacement candidate is wearing 4 inch heels and the outside temperature is 93 degrees and 100% humidity. Because when a person can perform in that type of environment, you know they're good, who cares if they can't write, research, or formulate a legal argument--the important thing is that they move faster than me!

So, I go back in the courtroom and tell the bailiff I need to speak to the judge. Meanwhile, opposing counsel is still sitting in the courtroom and probably praying that I give up and go back to the office. I sit patiently and wait my turn to speak to the all-powerful Oz.

My patience soon wears thin as the man sitting in the back of the courtroom gets up and asks the judge if he may approach. I hear the Clerk say "I think an attorney from the other side is here now." I now realize that the man standing before the judge is opposing counsel for my case. My opponent looks at me and then at the judge and says "Judge she's not an attorney."

WTF??????? I think steam actually came out of my ears, like in a cartoon. I couldn't believe what I just heard this man say.

At that point I rose and began to approach the bench. As I walked toward the judge and the pompous ass who was my opponent, I announced myself as defense counsel on the case and I stated my Florida Bar number. I told opposing counsel that he might want to write it down and possibly reference it in a letter of apology to me for being so disrespectful.

I then proceeded to tear this guy a new asshole, call him unprofessional, and tell the judge that when attorneys act like this jerk did it embarrasses the entire profession. I also moved for sanctions, but was denied.

The Judge then shows me the "proposed order" that my opposing counsel wanted the Judge to sign. I argued that no order should be signed at all since there was no motion before the court, the hearing was canceled, etc., etc., etc. When all was said and done, I got my way! No order from the court and made the other attorney like a total prick.

I normally do not make a habit of being so nasty to opposing counsel, but whenever I do it feels fucking great!