Yes, this is what I think. Hanging up the phone on someone is the biggest fuck you, ever! And that is exactly what I did to some piece of shit asshole who called me today. He has one of his assistants call me to say that I did not serve my trial subpoena on time to their moron doctor, who has known about this litigation since September. So, I told the assistant I would file a rule to show cause and they would have to deal with.
So, Mr. Thinks He Has a Big Dick calls me to say that I shouldn't threaten his employees, etc. And I got so sick of hearing him talk, that I just hung up on him. And when he called back to tell me off for hanging up on him, I hung up on him again.
The moral of this story is that I don't care about dumb motherufckers.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
If politics are like this, I don't want to be wrong!
http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/09/new-york-congressman-resigns-over-shirtless-photo/?hp
This story is awesome! If I knew politics were so hot, I would definitely become more involved. And, if this guy is really 46, I might condiser changing my dating age range.
This story is awesome! If I knew politics were so hot, I would definitely become more involved. And, if this guy is really 46, I might condiser changing my dating age range.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
There are several problems with this picture...
Beginning with the fact that this idiot left the house looking like this. Next we have the long hair. I always say I would never date a guy with hair longer than mine. So far we haven't had that problem, but I'm just saying....
Ok, so then there's the V neck blouse and necklace that look like they belong on a butch lesbian rather than a loser straight dude that tries WAAAAAY too hard.
The Jeans, since he is a man that has no fashion sense to begin with. He doesn't know that to pull off this look which requires the donning of skinny jeans. Now, since he's not skinny enough to wear those jeans he tried to pull it off with his regular everyday, I'm trying to be hip-hop and look 20 years younger than my actual age jeans, which results in a look like this.
Criss Angel go home and burn everything you're wearing, including your wig and undies. The undies are tainted by just wearing them with an ensemble to hideous. I don't know what the undies look like, but thinking about them makes me gag. Ultimate FAIL.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Happy Anniversary!
No, not to this blog! To my law practice. I've been on my own for 2 years!
Never has time flown by so fast. Over the past 2 years I have never worked harder, challenged myself more, grown up, learned faster, gained more self confidence, or tried more cases.
This job is very hard. It is overwhelmingly stressful some days, and run of the mill the others. Some days I work 18 hours and others I work 1. Sometimes I work all weekend, and then play tennis on Wednesday. With all of the worries that come with the unpredictable nature of this job, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I love my job!
Never has time flown by so fast. Over the past 2 years I have never worked harder, challenged myself more, grown up, learned faster, gained more self confidence, or tried more cases.
This job is very hard. It is overwhelmingly stressful some days, and run of the mill the others. Some days I work 18 hours and others I work 1. Sometimes I work all weekend, and then play tennis on Wednesday. With all of the worries that come with the unpredictable nature of this job, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I love my job!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
An actual letter to a really old lawyer
Hi! Here is an actual letter that I sent to a 90 year old man who I am litigating against. Unfortunately for him, he really pissed me off, and although he is old, I will take no pity on him. I just hope my nasty letters will drive him to retire, which he should have done, oh, about 70 years ago.......
I am in receipt of your correspondence of September 15. You have been demanding for months that this child be returned to his Mother. You claimed that the child has been “kidnapped” by his Father, even though he regularly visited his Mother and she allowed him to live with his Father for the better part of a year. Now you complain that the child has been returned to his Mother, which is what you and your client wanted!
First of all, I would suggest you refer to the Florida Statutes for the most accurate
definition of kidnapping. Further, the police refuse to get involved in child custody disagreements such as this, and would never arrest a Father for kidnapping. That is law enforcement standard operating procedure. When you threaten to bring kidnapping charges against my client, you may want to research whether you actually have the authority to do that. You do not. That is the job of law enforcement and the State Attorney’s Office. You are not employed by either of those groups, to my knowledge.
Secondly, I would suggest you choose a position and stick with it. You wanted the child back, did you not? Now that’s he’s back you say that he’s “scheming.” Do you really think it is fair to accuse a 12 year old of “scheming?” Do you think that it is appropriate to blame the Mother’s inability to control and parent her son on him, the 12 year old? If your client cannot control her child, it is solely her fault. The child is 12 years old, and his unruly behavior is not out of character for his age. If she does not know how to control an adolescent boy I would suggest that she enroll in some parenting courses with all due haste.
Lastly, I find it extremely hard to believe that the police discovered that the child and the Father were “scheming” to blame the Mother. In all actuality, the child left the home and the police were called after your client’s new husband put his hands on the child. When a non-biological parent begins physically disciplining a child a situation may arise where criminal charges can be brought. I would suggest that your client’s husband govern himself accordingly.
Should you have any questions concerning the foregoing, please contact the undersigned at your earliest convenience.
___________________________________________________
It's days like this that I love my job!
I am in receipt of your correspondence of September 15. You have been demanding for months that this child be returned to his Mother. You claimed that the child has been “kidnapped” by his Father, even though he regularly visited his Mother and she allowed him to live with his Father for the better part of a year. Now you complain that the child has been returned to his Mother, which is what you and your client wanted!
First of all, I would suggest you refer to the Florida Statutes for the most accurate
definition of kidnapping. Further, the police refuse to get involved in child custody disagreements such as this, and would never arrest a Father for kidnapping. That is law enforcement standard operating procedure. When you threaten to bring kidnapping charges against my client, you may want to research whether you actually have the authority to do that. You do not. That is the job of law enforcement and the State Attorney’s Office. You are not employed by either of those groups, to my knowledge.
Secondly, I would suggest you choose a position and stick with it. You wanted the child back, did you not? Now that’s he’s back you say that he’s “scheming.” Do you really think it is fair to accuse a 12 year old of “scheming?” Do you think that it is appropriate to blame the Mother’s inability to control and parent her son on him, the 12 year old? If your client cannot control her child, it is solely her fault. The child is 12 years old, and his unruly behavior is not out of character for his age. If she does not know how to control an adolescent boy I would suggest that she enroll in some parenting courses with all due haste.
Lastly, I find it extremely hard to believe that the police discovered that the child and the Father were “scheming” to blame the Mother. In all actuality, the child left the home and the police were called after your client’s new husband put his hands on the child. When a non-biological parent begins physically disciplining a child a situation may arise where criminal charges can be brought. I would suggest that your client’s husband govern himself accordingly.
Should you have any questions concerning the foregoing, please contact the undersigned at your earliest convenience.
___________________________________________________
It's days like this that I love my job!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Welcome to Florida. We'll be happy to kick your ass!
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/nationalsjournal/2010/09/nyjer_morgans_long_week_and_th.html
Monday, August 23, 2010
Can we build more bridges in Florida?
Check out the Michigan bridge settlement! The vicitims got fucked, the eingineering firm got off VERY easy, and the attorneys made a shitload of money! Can I get a client like that, please?
Thursday, August 19, 2010
My crazy clients
Ok, Most of my clients are crazy, but this one is REALLY crazy. She a hoarder. I'm not kidding. She calls me before every hearing and tells me what to say to the Judge (99.9% of what she tells me to say is wrong, of course). Then she also embarasses me by calling the Judge's secretary and talking to her, and then asking the sceretary to look for me in the courtroom (which is on a diferent floor from the Judge's office.)
So, today crazy called. And when I wasn't screaming at her to stop talking and listen to me instead of lecturing me on things she has no knowledge of. She told me she doesn't care what my professional opinion is, and to just do the work she hired me for. Now, you have to understand that my profesional opinion and my ability to do legal work are intertwined. I won't do work that I think is not warranted, or will lose. This lady wants me to do work that I know we will lose. So, I objected and told her I wouldn't do it. She said I'm not asking for your personal opinion.
I told her that if she heard my personal opinion, she might cry. That was kind of mean, but she was talking over me the entire time and didn't hear a word I said.
She also asked for my cell phone number. I never give clients my cell number, but since she leaves messages for me at the office from anywhere between 6am and Midnight, and the messages are 5 minutes long each, and 3 in a row, I was even more adamant and I said "Hell no!" That was really rude. I hope she heard it.
So, today crazy called. And when I wasn't screaming at her to stop talking and listen to me instead of lecturing me on things she has no knowledge of. She told me she doesn't care what my professional opinion is, and to just do the work she hired me for. Now, you have to understand that my profesional opinion and my ability to do legal work are intertwined. I won't do work that I think is not warranted, or will lose. This lady wants me to do work that I know we will lose. So, I objected and told her I wouldn't do it. She said I'm not asking for your personal opinion.
I told her that if she heard my personal opinion, she might cry. That was kind of mean, but she was talking over me the entire time and didn't hear a word I said.
She also asked for my cell phone number. I never give clients my cell number, but since she leaves messages for me at the office from anywhere between 6am and Midnight, and the messages are 5 minutes long each, and 3 in a row, I was even more adamant and I said "Hell no!" That was really rude. I hope she heard it.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Morons in the news
Hi all,
I'm going to re-start this blog and see how it goes. I didn't want to be too aggressive with the newest version of Curlatini, so I'm doing a "soft" opening. It's kind of like a pocket listing. If you like it, please leave a comment. And then read this article:
http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2010/08/10/us/AP-US-ODD-Marinating-Cat.html?ref=nyregion
It's sad, but the stupidity of this guy is hilarious.
I'm going to re-start this blog and see how it goes. I didn't want to be too aggressive with the newest version of Curlatini, so I'm doing a "soft" opening. It's kind of like a pocket listing. If you like it, please leave a comment. And then read this article:
http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2010/08/10/us/AP-US-ODD-Marinating-Cat.html?ref=nyregion
It's sad, but the stupidity of this guy is hilarious.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
My beautiful Helio
http://www.miamiherald.com/news/breaking-news/story/929938.html
He is too pretty to go to prison. Save Helio!
He is too pretty to go to prison. Save Helio!
Friday, February 13, 2009
An open letter to the creepy guy who keeps asking me out
Dear Weirdo,
You are a year older than my Dad. That's gross. You are neither handsome or rich. A combination of those two would have gotten you past the old age hurdle. You have written me several messages through my website that have all gone unanswered. Get a clue. When you tell me I am BEAUTIFUL IN ALL CAPS, it scares me. You have nothing to offer me. I finished dating someone like that and it sucks. You work at the good wine store by my house, which means I have to go there at off times, or not at all. Please get fired or quit your job so I don't have to see you anymore. I'm not going out with you so stop asking me and making it uncomfortable for everyone. Find someone your own age who is weird like you.
Very truly yours,
Curlatini, Esq.
PS-I will get a restraining order if I have to.
You are a year older than my Dad. That's gross. You are neither handsome or rich. A combination of those two would have gotten you past the old age hurdle. You have written me several messages through my website that have all gone unanswered. Get a clue. When you tell me I am BEAUTIFUL IN ALL CAPS, it scares me. You have nothing to offer me. I finished dating someone like that and it sucks. You work at the good wine store by my house, which means I have to go there at off times, or not at all. Please get fired or quit your job so I don't have to see you anymore. I'm not going out with you so stop asking me and making it uncomfortable for everyone. Find someone your own age who is weird like you.
Very truly yours,
Curlatini, Esq.
PS-I will get a restraining order if I have to.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Rock of Love Bus
OMG, here we go again with these hoochie mamas. This season, VH1 got the sluttiest bunch of hoes they could find, and I'm not kidding you about this. They are the most plumped, inflated, tattooed, make-up loving and education starved women ever.
Also, the genius executives at VH1 decided that the show would be even better if the girls dressed in teeny tiny lingerie for all of the challenges. I say teeny tiny because half of the shots are blurred because their size EEE breasts are popping out of their outfits.
As for the tattoos, one chick has an entire arm filled with "ink," including a Hello Kitty tat. I'm sure that will look very nice when you are dropping your kids off at school, when you are holding your new grandchild in the hospital, and at the nursing home, if she ever gets there.
Bad judgment anyone?
Also, the genius executives at VH1 decided that the show would be even better if the girls dressed in teeny tiny lingerie for all of the challenges. I say teeny tiny because half of the shots are blurred because their size EEE breasts are popping out of their outfits.
As for the tattoos, one chick has an entire arm filled with "ink," including a Hello Kitty tat. I'm sure that will look very nice when you are dropping your kids off at school, when you are holding your new grandchild in the hospital, and at the nursing home, if she ever gets there.
Bad judgment anyone?
Friday, January 23, 2009
Guy question
Hi all, so quick question. Why is it that guys ask you on a date by saying "i forgot my lunch, maybe if you did too, we can eat together?" Honestly, it might makes some girls feel like crap that the only reason thay are being asked out is because the other person "forgot their lunch." Please guys, get some balls and just ask someone out without thinking they don't care about you because they might. I guess it's just a lack of self confidence. I'm sure that happens to me sometimes, but I never really remember it.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Aretha's bad taste
In case you didn't already know that money doesn't bring good taste, please view this picture of of Aretha Franklin, who I have previously mentioned as "Ursula," from the Little Mermaid, which she actually is.
To be quite honest, this outfit is a step up from her norm because because she had to cover up. It was, what, 15 degrees out? Girlfriend had to keep covered. So, instead of showing people how massiver her body is, and breasts in particular, she showed everyone how big a hat she could wear. Go you, Aretha. I REALLY prefer this look over the other, but might I suggest a stylist, or lt least a look that will blend into the background. Just a suggestion.
Are you Fing kidding me?????
Hi all. I'm a little annoyed with the Kennedys.
Ok, here's the link, and thanks for reading the rest of the post:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/22/nyregion/22caroline.html?_r=1&hp
Caroline, just because your Dad was president doesn't mean that you're destined for politics as well. What do you do exactly?
I know the Kennedys to be famous for the following: being drunks, being drug addicts, allowing people to die from their negligence, being sex addicts, cheating on their wives, failing the bar exam numerous times, and being killed in freak instances.
Do you see how politics was not included in that list? So, please refer to the list and focus on those items, except for getting killed, that wouldn't be very nice of me, now would it?
Ok, here's the link, and thanks for reading the rest of the post:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/22/nyregion/22caroline.html?_r=1&hp
Caroline, just because your Dad was president doesn't mean that you're destined for politics as well. What do you do exactly?
I know the Kennedys to be famous for the following: being drunks, being drug addicts, allowing people to die from their negligence, being sex addicts, cheating on their wives, failing the bar exam numerous times, and being killed in freak instances.
Do you see how politics was not included in that list? So, please refer to the list and focus on those items, except for getting killed, that wouldn't be very nice of me, now would it?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Another ethics question
This question has to do with an anorexic girl that goes to my gym. This is the question: does the gym have any social responsibility with respect to this girl? I mean, she's really skinny, like 80 pounds skinny. And she's at the gym ALL THE TIME! And everyone is always staring at her, you know, on account of her being so skeletal. Doesn't the gym have some responsibility to say, um, hi, we are kind of concerned because you are so skinny and work out 5 hours a day. Is there some way we can help you? I kind of think it makes the gym look bad too on account of the anorexic girl being there all the time.
Any thoughts?
Any thoughts?
Thursday, January 1, 2009
ethics question
Is it wrong if I secretly hope that my neighbor's dog, which wakes me up early nearly every day, gets hit by a car and dies? Or would it be better to hope that he dies spontaneously of natural causes? And is it wrong to hope that the birds that chirp every morning get eaten by one of the neighborhood cats? I mean, the bird thing actually can count as evolution, right?
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Pretty kitty playing with her new Christmas present
I don't remember if I ever posted pictures of my new kitty. In any event, she got a laser pointer toy for Christmas. Here are some pics of her playing. Awwwwww...........
Action kitty. Get it. It is so cute to see her chasing the light, thinking she's actually going to catch it.
I think she gets confused when the light lands on her paw. She's adorable!
Friday, December 26, 2008
Oh, hi
Hello to all of my 9 loyal readers. I'm back (again). Sorry for the long hiatus, but I've been a little busy, and stressed out, and worried, and sad, and then hopeful finally. So, I'm officially my own boss. My firm opened 2 months ago. I have 4 clients, so they are all getting really good, personal service from Curlatini, P.A., you know so I don't lose one of my 4 clients and then worry about getting more clients.
Anyway, I didn't really feel like I had much to write about because I was busy setting up the firm and worrying about small things like how to pay for my mortgage, car, credit cards, and other fun things you have to worry about when you're a grown-up. I was really too worried and stressed out of try to be funny and entertaining.
So, hopefully, because I'm now feeling better I can fill you in with more detail on how things are going. But, I'll probably wait until this weekend because I don't feel like typing it all right now and I'm going to try to post some pictures up here. And, I just got an iphone and don't really know how to use it, so posting the pics might take a while. But, hopefully I will figure it out this weekend and then continue to post and fill you in on all the juicy details of the past 3 months.
Anyway, I didn't really feel like I had much to write about because I was busy setting up the firm and worrying about small things like how to pay for my mortgage, car, credit cards, and other fun things you have to worry about when you're a grown-up. I was really too worried and stressed out of try to be funny and entertaining.
So, hopefully, because I'm now feeling better I can fill you in with more detail on how things are going. But, I'll probably wait until this weekend because I don't feel like typing it all right now and I'm going to try to post some pictures up here. And, I just got an iphone and don't really know how to use it, so posting the pics might take a while. But, hopefully I will figure it out this weekend and then continue to post and fill you in on all the juicy details of the past 3 months.
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