Leave a %&^$#@* message!

Not sure what the problem is, but someome recently has been calling me and not leaving messages. It is really annoying. And I am not the type of person to call the number of the missed call back, because I really don't care that much. But if you are going to call every day for a week, come on. Leave a *&%#$%^&* message! Is it that important that you speak to me personally? Because if it is, note to caller: I don't take calls from people whose phone numbers I don't already know. This is done in an attempt to make the best use of my free time as I can. I don't need to be annoyed by sales calls and other crap like that.

So finally I picked up the phone (in a very annoyed tone of voice) when "the number" came up again last week. Guess who it was? My eye doctor's office telling me that I had to set up my annual appointment. That pissed me off even more because my eyesight is fine (for now) and I'm having no problems with my prescription, although I wish I could get rid of my contact lenses forever. But that was very nice of them telling me that I needed to get into the office to let me know my prescription hadn't changed and I owed them $200.

I love excuses to take my shirt off

I don' t think I was born with this confidence, but I certainly have it now. Maybe it's the growing older part of me that makes me say "you need me to take my top off? No problem." A while back I was at the dermotologist. And being that I am a native south Floridian, I have been in the sun quite a bit. So, in an attempt to be vigilant against skin cancer, I kind of keep track of certain spots on my skin to make sure they're not cancer. Anywhoo, I was at the dermotologist a while back. The doctor was hot and kind of being flirty. I told him I had a spot on my back that I wanted him to look at. He suggested that in order to see the spot clearly I should remove my top. I didn't wait for a paper gown or anything! The shirt came right off. Then I forgot that he wanted to look at my back and not my front, even though I must say that the front is a way better view.

The comfortability (not sure if that's even a word) factor has extended beyond the medical realm. Now I'm totally comfortable taking my top off at the beach and pool too. Which may or may not be appreciated. I feel so free, it's kind of a relief. I'm just saying, you should try it sometime.

Florida election

Yesterday was election day in Florida. Since I'm a registered Democrat my vote didn't "really" count. And I almost didn't even vote, but my city also had a new Mayor to elect. So, I made it to the polls. On my way into vote, I was harassed approached by people supporting candidates for city commissioner. The only problem with that was that we weren't electing a city commissioner in my district. And my polling place was only open to people in my district. So, instead of going out and campaigning in the district where the people were actually voting for a new commissioner, they wasted their time campaigning in my district where no one could vote for their candidate anyway.

That is how stupid politics in Florida is.

BCC

I purchased my first home about 2 years ago, and I happen to be a member of a home owner's association. The entire time I have lived in my home, we've only had 1 Association meeting. I decided, being a new member of the community, that I should attend the meeting. And that was the meeting at which I had the misfortune of being voted president of the Association!

Mind you, I don't think it was a proper election, and I could have contested it, but then I would have to listen to my whiny neighbors bitch and complain, and I was ready for the meeting to end.

And now that I have accepted the fact that I'm the pres. of the Association, it's not that bad. Except for that fact that my neighbors don't listen when I tell them to stop feeding the neighborhood's stray cats. The cats really don't create that many problems aside from the fact that they crap in my plants and flowers, and kill my landscaping, which causes me to go to Home Depot every weekend to repair the damage. And, I hate landscaping, so it makes it even worse.

So, I feel pretty confident that I know how to lead an organization, and keep people informed of what's going on, but something has started annoying me: other people that I have to deal with. So, since i don't want to deal with all of my neighbors at once I just have board meetings with 4 people. Here's the board: my next door neighbor who has a dog that I want to feed rat poison to. The neighbor doesn't walk her dog. She just lets him out on her patio to crap there. And the second he gets outside he doesn't stop barking. And she lets him outside sometimes at 6:45 on a Saturday or Sunday morning. She's about 65. She should know that her neighbors are sleeping. I thought about being a "good neighbor" and talking to her about it, but I got too pissed off and just started calling the cops. Bitch should know better than that, and I don't have the patience for it. I'm hoping that the dog escapes and never comes back.

The other board member is a guy who has no idea how to respond to e-mail and never has time to come to the meetings (although we've only has 1). And yesterday, when I was walking in the neighborhood, I heard this crazy screaming coming from his house. Now, I'm not sure if his wife was screaming at him, at the kids, or at someone else, but it kind of scared me a little bit.

The last member of the board is actually the least annoying, but frustrates me nevertheless. She asked me to write a letter to a neighbor who is 6 months behind in paying his monthly fees, and will likely not pay the recent special assessment I decided to levy of $500. So, being that I write about a million letters a week threatening other lawyers (and these are the kind of letters I LOVE to write and I'm getting very good at writing), I decided to write a threatening letter to this guy. And I BCCd all the board members so they would know that I get shit done. This member decides to reply to the BCC (to the board only, thank goodness) and give me a few suggestions. Um, thanks lady, but this is a BCC, not a conversation. I get paid to write threatening letters and the letter already went out. It's a BCC, not an open discussion. So, to my neighbors I say: shut your dogs up unless you want me to keep calling the police, stop feeding the cats that poop in my yard, investigate the purpose of a BCC, and stop being annoying in general. Oh, and please stop looking through my back window, because even if it's my fault for not purchasing any window coverings yet I still do not want to accidentally flash you when I'm running around the house not wearing anything. Thanks.

Ok, I'm not going crazy

It turned out to be a beautiful day in South Florida, and I have been busily working away in my office. Outside my window I have a view of open water, tropical trees, and the construction of new high rise buildings. And as I look at the construction workers climb all over the roof of a 40 story building, I think, I hope those guys are wearing some type of safety harness. Otherwise, I might be working on their case very soon. That's when I realize, I'm back to normal, if normal means that you have weird dreams about being trapped in a gas station during a hurricane, eating pizza, or driving from building to building while trying to "beat" a tornado (I'm a native South Floridian, I should have a healthy fear of hurricanes!). But I will say that having strange dreams and sleeping great beats sleeping horribly and having no dreams at all, which was the case with me for a long time.

I'm fine, I'm ok, I'm even good.

Food review

Healthy Choice Minestrone soup--disgusting, horrible consistency, foul smell, and likely to produce heartburn.

*Note to self: do not purchase aforementioned soup again, you don't like it.

*Note to Healthy Choice: please don't sue me for bashing your gross product.
Free speech, bitches!

There's a chance I might be going crazy

So, 95 South was shut down completely today and I had a 2.5 hour commute to work. That was so fun! But it also gave me 2.5 hours to be alone, with my thoughts, until my thoughts started driving me crazy and I called my friends to calm me down.



Is it normal to go a little crazy when dating someone, or is it just me? Because I swear, this morning after I had a little crazy time alone on my long commute to work, my next though was: Curlatini, you need to get yourself to a mental health professional, and fast. Ok, that thought faded after my friends calmed me down, but it crosses my mind more and more the older I get.

Is that what "growing up" "getting old" does to you?

She left why?

Ok, this is good kind of (for me at least). And I say it's good because it doesn't mean that I am not the only one that doesn't really like to work. My boss left early because she was too cold. Seriously. I am not lying; When crap like this really happens, there's no need to.

Yesterday we had what we in South Florida call a "cold front," but it was a weird one. It was windy out like a tornado was sitting right over the area and, I'll admit, it was a little cold. Today, It's still just as windy, but not really cold. Currently it's 69 degrees (no I did not make that up, you can check the Weather Channel website) and 74% humidity. Which means it's like 74 degrees out.

But, even having only worked at this firm for about 3 months, I already know what the temperature is going to be like. It depends on the outside temperature. If it's hot outside, my office will be sweltering and if the temperature is around 72 outside, it will be as if I work in a freezer. So today, I expected freezer weather and wore a wool sweater and pants. I'm still cold. But, when I'm cold I don't get to whine to everyone about it and leave early, I have to stick it out until the end of the day. Apparently when the boss is cold she can leave at 11:30am.

So, either she was really cold, or she likes working less than I do. My guess is the latter.

Busy Weekend

I am tired from running around non-stop this weekend. Saturday I woke up at 8 and was busy all day. I finally got my bathing suit back from the atty I was dating. I didn't even want to call him to discuss a pick up time. So I sent a text message.

Normally, I don't like to text because it is so impersonal, but this was a perfect occasion for a text. I went up to his apartment, which I didn't really want to do. He showed me some ugly chair he bought for his place which was too big for the room and looked cheap, but I no longer have to deal with him or it so I kept my mouth shut (for once). We sat on the balcony for a while and chatted. He said he was going to go to the pool and asked if I wanted to join him!!!!!! You know on account of my bathing suit being so easily accessible and all. Fucking perv. And I didn't even want to talk to him to begin with now that I have an adorable guy who wants to help me plan dinner parties, and assist with the cooking! Thank goodness I actually had plans to get coffee with my friend who lives in his building. That way turning him down sounded that much more sincere.

We tested out the dinner party menu too. I think it came out pretty well, although I didn't really care that much because all I really wanted to do was "kill time" with the guy I'm dating. And by "kill time" I mean, well, you should know what I mean. Hold hands and gaze into each other's eyes, and do other things that I shouldn't type because my Mom might one day read this. I like the guy a lot, ok? Let's just leave it at that. But the food came out ok, and I think it is safe to now have a dinner party and serve it to other people.

So, about the whole "title" thing with the guy I'm dating, can you consider him your boyfriend when he leaves you messages saying "Hi beautiful." Wait, was he really talking to me??? Or other messages that say "just wanted to hear your voice." What, mine??? After going out with so many schmucks, it is kind of unbelievable when you finally meet a really good one. Please let this not be some cruel joke. Please! I'm almost 30 freaking 1, it's about time for good things to come my way in the guy department! Can I get an Amen?

Super Bowl Prediction

Patriots by 13.

How the hell did the Giants make it this far? Brett Farve now has to retire knowing he lost the last game he ever played was lost to a crap team. Sorry Brett. If you need consoling, llámeme.

Eli--don't get an ego over this, you didn't win the game for your team, the kicker did.

What is wrong with me this week?

I think I may have a tiny anger problem. Or maybe I just feel the need to tell people that they did something wrong when it pisses me off too much. Earlier this week I was at the gym, and I noticed that there was a guy on the machine next to me. And, this was the next machine I wanted to use. When the guy got off the machine, he left behind 200 pools of sweat. Disgusting. I asked him if he was going to wipe down the machine as he kind of made it unusable to other gym-goers. He told me "No." I called him a pig. Oops.

This morning on my drive to work I got trapped behind a slow driver in the FAST lane. But before I finish the story, let me provide a little background. My drive to work takes anywhere from 45 to 60 minutes depending on the following: whether it's raining, if school is in session, how many morons get into accidents, how many trucks catch on fire, how many trucks flip over, and whether the police are giving out tickets for violating the HOV lane rule (which I got a ticket for, and which I no longer violate--I've learned my lesson). Usually, there is no traffic for the first half of the drive, and the second half is bumper to bumper. So, I try to drive very fast for the first half to make up for the time that I will spend going 10-15 MPH for about 9 miles. Today, the slow driver was wrecking my normally speedy drive by going about 50 MPH in the FAST lane, where I normally drive 75. And, there was another car in front of me that was trapped too. So one the car in front of me moved out of the way, I sped up to the slow car, tailgated and flashed my lights until the slow MF got out of the way.

I was really just trying to let her know "hey lady, I know you're about 72, so should you be in the old people lane all the way to the right and not in the far left lane where people who actually need to get somewhere are driving." As I passed the slow retiree, she gave me the finger! And noticing that her window was open I decided to slow down, open my window and educate her on how to properly drive on the roads. Now, she probably didn't hear a word I said, but I think she was shocked that I actually did it. And then I sped off to sit in traffic for another 25 minutes.

I need to get control of my road rage, seriously.

Tiger attack!

I think that most people have heard of the tiger attack at the San Francisco Zoo. It happened on Christmas Day. One kid was killed by the tiger and two others got a little chewed up. A lot of the media outlets have focused on whether the tiger was being taunted, and my question is, why does it matter??????

Saying that the tiger attacked because it was taunted is like saying a rape victim was asking for it because she's female. What exactly could have enraged the tiger enough to attack a person. The last time I checked, tigers don't speak English. So, I don't think that the tiger was mad over "your mama" jokes. And if yelling and waving at the animal is "taunting" then I guess zoos should just stop allowing people in because I am pretty sure that most kids do that when they're at a zoo.

Comments

I changed the comment feature on the blog. Now anyone can make comments, you don't have to sign up to gmail. Sorry about that. I'm new at this.

Comment away!

Just testing

So, I'm thinking of this blog 365 thing, which would mean that I blog every day. But the problem is that my laptop at home is a piece of crap which I only use for i pod purposes and also I have no internet access. So, I'm going to try this out: write this test blog entry today and mess around with the date to see if it posts tomorrow. That way if it works then I can set the posts to go up on the weekends when I'm not on line. Pretty smart, right? Yes I am, thanks for the compliment:)

Dear everyone, can you please start making comments?

Sometimes I have a chance to waste time when I am sick of doing lawery things to view other blogs, and make comments. No one does that on my site! Why the F not? I am so disappointed. There might be an incentive for you people---the possibility of a shout out when and if I ever publish a book with all these random comments, musings, rantings, and ravings. Do it. Comment. Don't piss me off. For reals, yo.

Lawyer told not to be productive

This is a real WTF moment. We have no more paper in my office. I am busily working away, printing important legal documents to get my clients out of paying millions of dollars, and a secretary tells me "you know, we're out of paper." First of all, let me just ask a question? How is that any of my concern?????

I'm the attorney, I don't worry about being out of paper. That's someone else's job. I went to school for a decade I'm not going to worry about stocking paper for the office. Secondly, why the hell doesn't someone go out and get paper? Is it that difficult? I know there's an Office Depot around here. Lastly, I'm supposed to stop doing work because we're out of paper??? The time I bill for this office is what pays for the paper, the paper clips, the toner, envelopes, and most importantly, the person's salary who is responsible for making sure we have paper! So, why doesn't this person just get off their ass and do their job so I can bill the client and make sure that "the paper person" can get paid on the 15th and 30th of each month? My secretary finally got mad about the whole thing and "someone" was sent out to get paper:)

I'm annoyed. When can I leave? Early I hope. My new guy is coming over tonight for din din, to hang out, "and do normal people stuff." Those are really his exact words. He's adorable.

Good morning?

Ok, so this is kind of strange, but I have been sleeping really well lately. And that means that when my alarm clock goes off, I usually hit snooze twice and then try to get up. And it's been working fine so far, but today I got up and couldn't keep my eyes open. I even made coffee at home, since I had a little extra time, and that didn't help. Actually, I sometimes think that the coffee would be more effective if I just threw it on my face instead of drinking it. But then I'd ruin my makeup and then I'd really be late for work.

So, this morning I get into the office a little before 9, not expecting my boss to be there as I thought he was out of town on business. Well I was wrong and it came as a big surprise to me when I'm walking down the hall to my office and he come out of his, tells me "good morning," and is dressed in a sleeveless shits and short shorts, ready for the gym. The man is 60 or something. Seeing him like that hurt my eyes, really. Yuck.

It's now around 11am, and I am still not awake. I'm not sure what my problem is besides the fact that I am totally exhausted from this week's activities already, I'm totally distracted by my social life, and I'm almost emotionally drained. Aside from the occasional tearing up from Today Show sappy pieces, I haven't been that emotional lately, especially since I started the new job. But this week has been tough, and I'm just not used to it. If tomorrow was Saturday I'd be so psyched.

And Mom, never give me unsolicited relationship advice again because its usually stupid, wrong, and not grounded and any type of reality whatsoever. Leave that topic of advice to my friends who I share more with anyway, are around the same age as me, and have dated in the past 5 years. They kind of know what's up and you don't. Sorry.

Postponed

Although I hinted at a commentary on Rock of Love 2, I am going to have to postpone said commentary as I didn't watch it. Ok, I had the TV on and I was kind of watching, but I was on the phone and unable to concentrate. So, commentary will have to wait until I catch it later this week or weekend. Sorry all.

BTW I got ripped off

BTW people, did anyone catch last Sunday's 60 Minutes? And don't call me grandma because I like the show, the stories are good. And, when I recall these stories to other people I sound smart, unless they watched 60 minutes too (then they know where I got my material from). This week's stories included Roger Clemens saying he never took steroids, the ruler of Pakistan (whose name I can't pronounce) saying Benazir Bhutto was asking for it, and some mob hitman taking about all the people he whacked.

And then there was Andy Rooney. I usually don't pay attention to his editorials because he's just so annoying and has a whiny voice, but this week guess what he was whining about????? The names of the presidential candidates and how some of them are not very "presidential!!!!" Ok I used my own original term: "presidenty," because it sounded funnier than "presidential," but it serves the same purpose!

Um, excuse me, Mr. Rooney and blog visitors, but did I or did I not just write about that in the last 2 weeks. Remember, I said that Huckabee sounded like a character from a Mark Twain novel. Huckleberry???? Anyone? Anyway, Rooney totally ripped off my idea! I am so pissed. I know I'm not an annoying, whiny, old man whose known for his bitch sessions every Sunday night, but I do have a degree in mass communications, and now I'm an internet author. Come on, have some respect for your peers Mr. Rooney.

If he starts doing editorials on Rock of Love 2, I am really going to have to do something about this guy. For reals.

Guess what starts again on Sunday?

That's right people, Rock of Love 2 premieres Sunday on VH1. If you weren't able to get your fill of crazy skanky sluts, then you only need wait until this weekend.

But, I think VH1 is playing a joke on Bret, and he's not in on it. I checked out this season's hoes that will take turns banging Bret each night "contestants" and there's something wrong. There's only maybe 2 pretty girls! The rest of the girls either look like a man, were operated on by the plastic surgeon of Kanye West's Mom, or are just plan ugly. WOW. This is going to make this season super interesting. Since there so many yucky ones, the usually super keen viewing audience will have a tougher time predicting whose going to get kicked off next (I usually predict whose going next by level of attractiveness or the oh-so-important annoyance factor).

Maybe one of the activities this season will include a Botox party with Brett, since he looks like he gets shot up about every other week. No really, he's really starting to look like a chick. It's going to be tough this season not to confuse the ladies with Brett. And I'm getting the feeling that Bret's not the only one on the show who stuffs his pants. I can't wait. Let the cat fights begin!

New Year's Resolution

Ok people, I'm not sure if this is a resolution, but a change I'm thinking of implementing. I'm going to stop writing about my personal life as much. I decided this after this weekend. See what happens when I meet someone I actually like? I lose any "lawyerly" qualities I usually have and I become a sappy girl, or maybe that's just the affect he has on me. Hmmmmm. (Smile)

Oh, and I'm going to try and stop using as much profanity as I normally do. I have a problem. I like to say the F word. See, I'm trying!

Are the holidays over yet?

Seriously. I am ready for the holidays to be over. I need to get back into a routine. I need work to get busy again. I am so bored, and it is too frustrating to try and think of things that I can bill .1 for. When is everyone getting back from vacation? Tomorrow? Next week?

Note to everyone that I do business with: I tried to be productive over the "holidays." So, you all should have lots of letters, e-mails, and legaly things to answer when you get back. Do me a favor and answer my letters, e-mails, and legaly things so that I have work to do. Sitting in my office for 9-10 hours a day is really boring. I've reached the end of the internet, and I want to stop worrying about not billing enough hours each day because I don't have enough work to do.

Right now I'm just sitting in my office waiting for my boss to leave, because I don't like to leave before he does. I'm the associate, I'm supposed to be the one doing all the work, I should be staying late in my office working, not wondering about what time my boss will leave. And another thing, due to the location of my office I cannot leave the office without everyone pretty much noticing that I leave because I have to walk by all the other offices. If I didn't have to walk by my boss' office I'd probably have left 20 minutes ago. I am bored, and I want to buy candles and other home smell good things that the White Barn Candle Co. sale, and then get dinner at Whole Foods, and I'm hungry. This is too much. Get me out of here.

Brit's lawyer wants out

News flash: Britney's lawyer wants to withdraw from the case. I'm not surprised at all shocked! As a lawyer who has had to withdraw from a few cases, I gotta say that dealing with crazy psycho clients is not fun. I mean, at first it might be a little amusing, but then they just start to annoy you by calling 5 times a day and accusing your secretary of not giving phone messages to the lawyer, when really the lawyer is not returning the call because he/she doesn't have time to have the same conversation day after day after day.

Sorry Brit, lawyers can't solve anything, especially when you're going all over LA acting crazy and drugged up. Get thee to rehab, it's cool now, ask Lindsey. Although I hear it can't cure sluttiness, ask Lindsey about that too!