The Not So Exciting Adventures of Curlatini, Esq.

Hanging up on someone if the biggest F U

2011-03-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is what I think. Hanging up the phone on someone is the biggest fuck you, ever! And that is exactly what I did to some piece of shit asshole who called me today. He has one of his assistants call me to say that I did not serve my trial subpoena on time to their moron doctor, who has known about this litigation since September. So, I told the assistant I would file a rule to show cause and they would have to deal with.

So, Mr. Thinks He Has a Big Dick calls me to say that I shouldn't threaten his employees, etc. And I got so sick of hearing him talk, that I just hung up on him. And when he called back to tell me off for hanging up on him, I hung up on him again.

The moral of this story is that I don't care about dumb motherufckers.

If politics are like this, I don't want to be wrong!

2011-02-09T17:48:00.000-08:00

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/09/new-york-congressman-resigns-over-shirtless-photo/?hp

This story is awesome! If I knew politics were so hot, I would definitely become more involved. And, if this guy is really 46, I might condiser changing my dating age range.

There are several problems with this picture...

2010-12-07T11:36:00.000-08:00

Beginning with the fact that this idiot left the house looking like this. Next we have the long hair. I always say I would never date a guy with hair longer than mine. So far we haven't had that problem, but I'm just saying....

Ok, so then there's the V neck blouse and necklace that look like they belong on a butch lesbian rather than a loser straight dude that tries WAAAAAY too hard.

The Jeans, since he is a man that has no fashion sense to begin with. He doesn't know that to pull off this look which requires the donning of skinny jeans. Now, since he's not skinny enough to wear those jeans he tried to pull it off with his regular everyday, I'm trying to be hip-hop and look 20 years younger than my actual age jeans, which results in a look like this.

Criss Angel go home and burn everything you're wearing, including your wig and undies. The undies are tainted by just wearing them with an ensemble to hideous. I don't know what the undies look like, but thinking about them makes me gag. Ultimate FAIL.

Happy Anniversary!

2010-11-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

No, not to this blog! To my law practice. I've been on my own for 2 years!

Never has time flown by so fast. Over the past 2 years I have never worked harder, challenged myself more, grown up, learned faster, gained more self confidence, or tried more cases.

This job is very hard. It is overwhelmingly stressful some days, and run of the mill the others. Some days I work 18 hours and others I work 1. Sometimes I work all weekend, and then play tennis on Wednesday. With all of the worries that come with the unpredictable nature of this job, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I love my job!

An actual letter to a really old lawyer

2010-09-16T08:32:00.001-07:00

Hi! Here is an actual letter that I sent to a 90 year old man who I am litigating against. Unfortunately for him, he really pissed me off, and although he is old, I will take no pity on him. I just hope my nasty letters will drive him to retire, which he should have done, oh, about 70 years ago.......

I am in receipt of your correspondence of September 15. You have been demanding for months that this child be returned to his Mother. You claimed that the child has been “kidnapped” by his Father, even though he regularly visited his Mother and she allowed him to live with his Father for the better part of a year. Now you complain that the child has been returned to his Mother, which is what you and your client wanted!

First of all, I would suggest you refer to the Florida Statutes for the most accurate
definition of kidnapping. Further, the police refuse to get involved in child custody disagreements such as this, and would never arrest a Father for kidnapping. That is law enforcement standard operating procedure. When you threaten to bring kidnapping charges against my client, you may want to research whether you actually have the authority to do that. You do not. That is the job of law enforcement and the State Attorney’s Office. You are not employed by either of those groups, to my knowledge.

Secondly, I would suggest you choose a position and stick with it. You wanted the child back, did you not? Now that’s he’s back you say that he’s “scheming.” Do you really think it is fair to accuse a 12 year old of “scheming?” Do you think that it is appropriate to blame the Mother’s inability to control and parent her son on him, the 12 year old? If your client cannot control her child, it is solely her fault. The child is 12 years old, and his unruly behavior is not out of character for his age. If she does not know how to control an adolescent boy I would suggest that she enroll in some parenting courses with all due haste.

Lastly, I find it extremely hard to believe that the police discovered that the child and the Father were “scheming” to blame the Mother. In all actuality, the child left the home and the police were called after your client’s new husband put his hands on the child. When a non-biological parent begins physically disciplining a child a situation may arise where criminal charges can be brought. I would suggest that your client’s husband govern himself accordingly.

Should you have any questions concerning the foregoing, please contact the undersigned at your earliest convenience.
___________________________________________________
It's days like this that I love my job!

Welcome to Florida. We'll be happy to kick your ass!

2010-09-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/nationalsjournal/2010/09/nyjer_morgans_long_week_and_th.html

Can we build more bridges in Florida?

2010-08-23T18:22:00.000-07:00

Check out the Michigan bridge settlement! The vicitims got fucked, the eingineering firm got off VERY easy, and the attorneys made a shitload of money! Can I get a client like that, please?

My crazy clients

2010-08-19T12:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, Most of my clients are crazy, but this one is REALLY crazy. She a hoarder. I'm not kidding. She calls me before every hearing and tells me what to say to the Judge (99.9% of what she tells me to say is wrong, of course). Then she also embarasses me by calling the Judge's secretary and talking to her, and then asking the sceretary to look for me in the courtroom (which is on a diferent floor from the Judge's office.)

So, today crazy called. And when I wasn't screaming at her to stop talking and listen to me instead of lecturing me on things she has no knowledge of. She told me she doesn't care what my professional opinion is, and to just do the work she hired me for. Now, you have to understand that my profesional opinion and my ability to do legal work are intertwined. I won't do work that I think is not warranted, or will lose. This lady wants me to do work that I know we will lose. So, I objected and told her I wouldn't do it. She said I'm not asking for your personal opinion.

I told her that if she heard my personal opinion, she might cry. That was kind of mean, but she was talking over me the entire time and didn't hear a word I said.

She also asked for my cell phone number. I never give clients my cell number, but since she leaves messages for me at the office from anywhere between 6am and Midnight, and the messages are 5 minutes long each, and 3 in a row, I was even more adamant and I said "Hell no!" That was really rude. I hope she heard it.

Morons in the news

2010-08-10T15:11:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

I'm going to re-start this blog and see how it goes. I didn't want to be too aggressive with the newest version of Curlatini, so I'm doing a "soft" opening. It's kind of like a pocket listing. If you like it, please leave a comment. And then read this article:

http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2010/08/10/us/AP-US-ODD-Marinating-Cat.html?ref=nyregion

It's sad, but the stupidity of this guy is hilarious.

My beautiful Helio

2009-03-03T09:34:00.000-08:00

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/breaking-news/story/929938.html

He is too pretty to go to prison. Save Helio!

An open letter to the creepy guy who keeps asking me out

2009-02-13T10:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Weirdo,

You are a year older than my Dad. That's gross. You are neither handsome or rich. A combination of those two would have gotten you past the old age hurdle. You have written me several messages through my website that have all gone unanswered. Get a clue. When you tell me I am BEAUTIFUL IN ALL CAPS, it scares me. You have nothing to offer me. I finished dating someone like that and it sucks. You work at the good wine store by my house, which means I have to go there at off times, or not at all. Please get fired or quit your job so I don't have to see you anymore. I'm not going out with you so stop asking me and making it uncomfortable for everyone. Find someone your own age who is weird like you.

Very truly yours,

Curlatini, Esq.

PS-I will get a restraining order if I have to.

Holy crap!

2009-01-28T05:53:00.000-08:00

I pray this NEVER happens to me......

http://www.10news.com/news/18569727/detail.html#-

Rock of Love Bus

2009-01-26T09:42:00.001-08:00

OMG, here we go again with these hoochie mamas. This season, VH1 got the sluttiest bunch of hoes they could find, and I'm not kidding you about this. They are the most plumped, inflated, tattooed, make-up loving and education starved women ever.

Also, the genius executives at VH1 decided that the show would be even better if the girls dressed in teeny tiny lingerie for all of the challenges. I say teeny tiny because half of the shots are blurred because their size EEE breasts are popping out of their outfits.

As for the tattoos, one chick has an entire arm filled with "ink," including a Hello Kitty tat. I'm sure that will look very nice when you are dropping your kids off at school, when you are holding your new grandchild in the hospital, and at the nursing home, if she ever gets there.

Bad judgment anyone?

Guy question

2009-01-23T18:02:00.000-08:00

Hi all, so quick question. Why is it that guys ask you on a date by saying "i forgot my lunch, maybe if you did too, we can eat together?" Honestly, it might makes some girls feel like crap that the only reason thay are being asked out is because the other person "forgot their lunch." Please guys, get some balls and just ask someone out without thinking they don't care about you because they might. I guess it's just a lack of self confidence. I'm sure that happens to me sometimes, but I never really remember it.

Aretha's bad taste

2009-01-21T17:36:00.000-08:00

In case you didn't already know that money doesn't bring good taste, please view this picture of of Aretha Franklin, who I have previously mentioned as "Ursula," from the Little Mermaid, which she actually is.

To be quite honest, this outfit is a step up from her norm because because she had to cover up. It was, what, 15 degrees out? Girlfriend had to keep covered. So, instead of showing people how massiver her body is, and breasts in particular, she showed everyone how big a hat she could wear. Go you, Aretha. I REALLY prefer this look over the other, but might I suggest a stylist, or lt least a look that will blend into the background. Just a suggestion.

Are you Fing kidding me?????

2009-01-21T16:45:00.000-08:00

Hi all. I'm a little annoyed with the Kennedys.

Ok, here's the link, and thanks for reading the rest of the post:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/22/nyregion/22caroline.html?_r=1&hp

Caroline, just because your Dad was president doesn't mean that you're destined for politics as well. What do you do exactly?

I know the Kennedys to be famous for the following: being drunks, being drug addicts, allowing people to die from their negligence, being sex addicts, cheating on their wives, failing the bar exam numerous times, and being killed in freak instances.

Do you see how politics was not included in that list? So, please refer to the list and focus on those items, except for getting killed, that wouldn't be very nice of me, now would it?

Another ethics question

2009-01-13T08:32:00.000-08:00

This question has to do with an anorexic girl that goes to my gym. This is the question: does the gym have any social responsibility with respect to this girl? I mean, she's really skinny, like 80 pounds skinny. And she's at the gym ALL THE TIME! And everyone is always staring at her, you know, on account of her being so skeletal. Doesn't the gym have some responsibility to say, um, hi, we are kind of concerned because you are so skinny and work out 5 hours a day. Is there some way we can help you? I kind of think it makes the gym look bad too on account of the anorexic girl being there all the time.

Any thoughts?

ethics question

2009-01-01T11:52:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong if I secretly hope that my neighbor's dog, which wakes me up early nearly every day, gets hit by a car and dies? Or would it be better to hope that he dies spontaneously of natural causes? And is it wrong to hope that the birds that chirp every morning get eaten by one of the neighborhood cats? I mean, the bird thing actually can count as evolution, right?

Pretty kitty playing with her new Christmas present

2008-12-27T09:05:00.001-08:00

I don't remember if I ever posted pictures of my new kitty. In any event, she got a laser pointer toy for Christmas. Here are some pics of her playing. Awwwwww...........

Action kitty. Get it. It is so cute to see her chasing the light, thinking she's actually going to catch it.

I think she gets confused when the light lands on her paw. She's adorable!

Oh, hi

2008-12-26T14:27:00.000-08:00

Hello to all of my 9 loyal readers. I'm back (again). Sorry for the long hiatus, but I've been a little busy, and stressed out, and worried, and sad, and then hopeful finally. So, I'm officially my own boss. My firm opened 2 months ago. I have 4 clients, so they are all getting really good, personal service from Curlatini, P.A., you know so I don't lose one of my 4 clients and then worry about getting more clients.

Anyway, I didn't really feel like I had much to write about because I was busy setting up the firm and worrying about small things like how to pay for my mortgage, car, credit cards, and other fun things you have to worry about when you're a grown-up. I was really too worried and stressed out of try to be funny and entertaining.

So, hopefully, because I'm now feeling better I can fill you in with more detail on how things are going. But, I'll probably wait until this weekend because I don't feel like typing it all right now and I'm going to try to post some pictures up here. And, I just got an iphone and don't really know how to use it, so posting the pics might take a while. But, hopefully I will figure it out this weekend and then continue to post and fill you in on all the juicy details of the past 3 months.

Weekend plans

2008-10-03T12:32:00.000-07:00

Finally! A weekend where I have nothing to do! I can't believe I am actually excited about it. And, I gave up a ticket to the UM/FSU football game! When's the last time I did that? Oh, never. I must really be tired, and exhausted, and kind of worried about setting up my office. So, this weekend I'm going to sleep A LOT, relax, and maybe go to the art festival in Fort Lauderdale. Smile.

About my new kitty....

2008-10-02T08:15:00.000-07:00

She is very pretty with her long white fur. But it is not so pretty when I have to clean up her puke. It makes me want to do the same. Um, if I can't clean up after my cat without gagging, how will I ever clean up after a child? I should ask someone about that.

Fugs and Jugs, part 2

2008-10-01T13:15:00.001-07:00

The Daily Show is the best

2008-10-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

Don't argue with me. Just watch this. The best part is the last 10 seconds.
http://blogs.trb.com/entertainment/technology/watchthis/2008/10/the_daily_show_back_to_boca.html

New addition

2008-09-29T10:46:00.001-07:00

I have a new little cousin! Here's her cute little picture:

Awwwwwww.........

NYC weekend recap

2008-09-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

Oh hi. I have almost recovered from our big trip to NYC. We had a great time and I loved spending so much time with the bf. By the time the trip was over I think we did almost everything in NYC there is to do.

We walked miles and miles and miles ALL over here:
We took rides on here when we weren't walking miles and miles:

We went to the top of here: We went here:And here:And here:

And here:

He really liked seeing this:
I liked this:

We stayed right around here:

I'm excited to see what else we'll do together.

Now we're back here:

Just a few things

2008-09-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

Hi. I am not sure how interesting this post will be, but I have just a few things to share:

#1. My skinny jeans fit. All three pairs of them. Now I'm afraid to eat.

#2. I am not going to be very productive this week because we leave for NYC on Friday and I am WAY too excited to do anything but think about the trip, and workout so the skinny jeans will fit on said trip. And, it is a good thing I have NO work to do at my office. Now I don't have to worry about being productive since there is nothing to produce.

#3. Due to the aforementioned trip I only have to work 4 days this week. Nice.

#4. Due to the aforementioned trip and a continuing education seminar I only have to work 3 days next week. Sweet!

#5. I still have 5.5 days off left until the end of the year.

#6. I am going to try to see how little time I can spend in the office until the end of the year. That way I can keep on track with my office set up, that I am so worried about.

#7. I am starting to worry about setting up my office. There's just so much to worry about. Computers, paper, phone lines, faxes. And the whole, where will my office be located issue. Holy crap.

#8. My boss was pissed off this morning over some small, insignificant thing that I didn't do on one of my cases. I gave him the "do you think I fucking care?" face. That was fun. I make myself laugh sometimes.

Repercussions of Katrina

2008-09-12T06:58:00.000-07:00

I guess since New Orleans residents didn't heed the warning to evacuate in advance of Katrina, and then the government totally screwed up the recovery effort, and all those people died, this is what local governments have now resorted to: telling their residents they "may face certain death" if they stick around for the storm. Maybe the only way to get people to evacuate is to scare the hell out of them.

Although, when I was in school in New Orleans, and they told us to evacuate for a hurricane I got out of town, and quickly. Why is it I had no problem leaving? And other people are dumb enough to ride out the storm? Do they really think it will be enjoyable when their roof peels away from their house and they are hiding in a bathtub with a mattress over their head?

Fortunately, neither of these things has happened to me, but I imagine that it would not be enjoyable.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/09/11/AR2008091101825.html?hpid%3Dtopnews&sub=AR

MTV VMA Fashion Review

2008-09-08T11:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, first I'd like to say I have no idea why MTV still has an awards show called the "Video Music Awards," because I've noticed that, um, MTV no longer airs videos. MTV's programming consists wholly of their own original TV shows. So, if they play videos, it must be laste at night when I'm sleeping. Nevertheless, this awards show provides yet another opportunity to make fun of "celebrities," and how could I miss that type of opportunity?????

Dear Pink, Ursula wants her dress back.

Katy Perry, we weren't aware that the circus was in town last night too. When does your trapeze act start?

This pose is called "the Flamingo."

I'm not kidding. This is a man. His name is Bill.

Here he is with the rest of the girls in his band:

Insert your own comment, it's not that hard to do, especially when she's wearing this:

The Almond Sisters

2008-09-08T07:50:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you mix endless rum and cokes, a wild pair of screaming sisters, and drunk men in a football frenzy? A new last name.

Yes everyone, football season is now in full swing and the Almond sisters took advantage of it this weekend. Down here in South Florida the big game of the weekend was the University of Miami v. Florida. The Almond sisters made plans to watch the game with a bunch of rowdy men who like to consume alcohol and get loud. This was a good plan for the sisters because they could scream and jump around as much as they wanted and they didn't look so out of character for the company they were keeping on Saturday night. And as the night wore on and more alcohol was consumed, the rowdy boys actually forgot our last name and began calling us the Almond sisters. Good effort on the part of the guys considering our actual last name begins with the letter "A," but really sounds nothing like almond.

And, now I have a full blog name to use here: Curlatini Esq. Almond. Ok, great.

So, in the end a good time was had by all and I was totally out of commission on Sunday because of my loud, screaming, jumping, and rum-drinking behavior on Saturday night. I swear, being around my sister makes me act like that. In the past few years I've thought of myself as a retired party girl, and I was totally fine with it, but this weekend I came out of retirement one last time. Like Brett Farve. I guess I'm like the Brett Farve of retired party girls. Except, I'm not trying to make a full time comeback, it takes too long to recover.

e-mail message from my moron boss

2008-09-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

Her: Our secretary is going to calendar the Motion to Dismiss filed by the defendant. I would like to see a draft of our response by Thursday next week. The response needs to be very well written with citations to case law which defeats each allegation against the complaint. We will probably have a couple re-writes so I want to see the first one next week. Thanks

Me: That’s fine. But I don’t see what you are calendaring. There are no time deadlines with respect to motions to dismiss in state court. Once we file the reply, which will be sometime next week, we will just set it down for hearing.

Here's what I didn't tell her: thanks for telling me that the response needs to be very well written with citations to case law which defeat every element in the complaint. #1 because I graduated law school yesterday and I don't know what a citation is, #2 because I don't know how to respond to a motion to dismiss, and #3 because I usually try to compose pleadings that are not well written. Did you forget that I'm a published author and you're not??? And who is the person that routinely sends correspondence and pleadings out of this office with typos, grammatical errors and misstatements of law? Um, that's you, Ms. dumb boss.

Oh, yes, and who singlehandedly screwed up a case that this firm could potentially make a million dollars off of? That's you too. So, you know what? It might do you some good to follow your own advice and stop being a nasty, lazy moron who doesn't know anything.

And you know what else? We are insurance lawyers and I had to explain to HER the difference between contribution, subrogation, and indemnification. [If you aren't a lawyer you probably have no idea what these terms mean. But, if you are a lawyer, especially an insurance lawyer, these terms are basic. She should have learned that in year one.] I cannot believe I have to take crap from someone this stupid.

Very nice

2008-09-03T06:54:00.001-07:00

If my Mom were walking around like this I would not be happy.

PS--You should probably ask the plastic surgeon for your money back. Your boobs look horrible.

This is really happening

2008-09-02T07:24:00.001-07:00

Holy crap. It's official. I'm incorporated! I am now a Professional Association. This is really happening. I guess I'll start opening the business bank accounts, and start spending to get ready to open. I can't believe this is happening!

It feels like Friday already

2008-08-28T08:49:00.000-07:00

Why is that? It's probably because I didn't come into the office at all on Monday, I'm leaving early today and we're closing the office early tomorrow. See how time flies? I almost feel like tomorrow is Saturday. Maybe I will even go to Starbucks before I head to the office so it really feels like the weekend is starting, because it can't get here fast enough.

They did not get eaten by dingos

2008-08-27T12:27:00.000-07:00

Nor did they get attacked by lions, trampled by elephants, or eaten by hippos. My parents called this morning to let me know they got back from their African safari unscathed, Also, they don't seem to have brought any communicable diseases back with them, although there could be an incubation period. I am planning on seeing them tomorrow so I hope the incubation period is over by then. If I am expected to subject myself to crazy dangerous diseases that were eradicated in this country more than 80 years ago, I am going to expect some really good African gifts. I think I'll ask for an description of said gifts before I decide whether I will really expose my immune system to that. Smart move.

3 AM and I was wide awake

2008-08-27T07:19:00.000-07:00

This happens to me sometimes. I wake up in the middle of the night for no reason. And once I'm awake I start thinking and worrying, about work, opening my office and the bf. Isn't there enough time during the day to worry about these things? Now I have to wake myself up at night to think about it all too?

So what did I do after all the worrying? Came into the office today and told our "office manager" that I'd been working here for 10 months, and in those 10 month I've asked her to order business cards for me 3 times. And what on earth could have happened to the order? It seems to be taking a long time. She said she would check on the "order" because it was taking a long time. Meanwhile, I know no order was ever placed because she is one of the the laziest people working in this office. I know I'm only working here for another 4 months, but I'm going to get those damn cards!

She now loves the scratching post more than me

2008-08-22T13:04:00.000-07:00

Hi. Remember yesterday when I said I wasn't sure if Miga was using the scratching post? Well, it's confirmed. She like it, she really likes it. After I got home from happy hour last night and was getting her dinner ready she was scratching away. I told her she was a good girl and that she needs to leave Mommy's furniture alone.

But now she seems to prefer the post over me! This morning I got up and called her name to come upstairs. Usually she runs up right away to tell me "good morning." Well this morning she didn't come up. So I went downstairs to see if everything was ok. And guess what I saw? Her sleeping right next to the post, all cuddled up to it. So, now she likes the post so much that she is ignoring me????

Wait, am I getting jealous of a scratching post? That's scary.

Thursday report

2008-08-21T10:50:00.000-07:00

Not much to share these days people. It's been a pretty quiet week, minus the tropical storm which I used as an excuse to work from home on Tuesday. And, for once I actually worked from home and got a LOT accomplished. But also because of the storm, I had to cancel the meeting with my CPA about my office opening. Gotta call to reschedule later today.

My kitty Miga is doing great. She is the cutest thing ever! Except when she scratches Mommy's expensive furniture. I got her a scratching post and put it in front of the corner of the couch she is most fond of. I'm not sure she actually uses it though. I've only seen her lay on the base of it and bite the catnip mouse hanging off the top. I'm trying to teach her though. I take her little paws and scratch them on the post for her. She probably has no clue what I'm trying to do. Thank goodness I didn't have to train her to use the litter box.

And, her cold from the Humane Society is getting better. She is getting used to taking her medicine, and not trying to scratch my eyes out when I give it to her. The vet said I also need to give her lysine, which is an immune system booster. So today I went to some body builder muscle store and asked them if they had any. The muscle guy said "what are you going to use it for?" And I said, "Oh, I'm going to give it to my cat, she has a cold." He told me that he has people come in to buy glucosimine condroitin for their dogs. Ok, so I'm not that weird.

And thanks to the fact that I had a 9:30 am meeting in Fort Lauderdale, I got to sleep late today. Which means I will have plenty of energy for happy hour tonight! So, things are pretty good right now, happy hour, Friday, and then weekend! This week is flying by!

Oh, and here's the best news, my diet/exercise combo looks like it is starting to work, which is great because I am trying to be as skinny as possible when I see my friends from college at a wedding next month. I am starting to look less like an attorney who sits at her desk 9 hours a day and more like my normal self before I started working. Go me!

Good advice

2008-08-14T06:29:00.000-07:00

Daily Horoscopes, Astrology Reports, Aquarius - washingtonpost.com:
"Aquarius January 20 - February 18
For Thursday, August 14 -It's all in your head today -- in other words, you can alter your reality by simply thinking differently than you have been. Feeling unattractive? Simply remind yourself that you are indeed very attractive, and people will start seeing it. Worried you won't pass a test? Tell yourself that you'll do as well as you can, and then you will. It's important to realize that your powers of positive thinking are just as strong as your powers of negative thinking -- so make sure to think the right way."

Remember when

2008-08-13T07:27:00.000-07:00

I used to post funny stories about the guys I was dating or wanted to date? Or posted stories about my bf and the funny/cute/dumb things that he would do or say to me? I took those all down when he started reading this blog. I thought those posts might hurt his feelings if he read them. That was nice of me wasn't it? I try to be a nice girlfriend. I want him to know that he's important and really special to me. And sometimes I don't talk to him about things that are bothering me because I feel like he has enough to worry about, and I don't want to add to his stress.

I was going to write a post about how when my bf cancels plans with me 3 times in 2 weeks it really hurts my feelings, and makes me feel insignificant, unimportant, totally disappointed, and dumb. But I don't want to hurt his feelings by writing it here.

Oh, and by the way I'll probably take this post down in a few days because I will feel bad about it

200 posts

2008-08-13T06:49:00.000-07:00

My 200th post was yesterday. Wish I could be more excited about it, but I can't.

In other news, I really started working on the office opening. Have a meeting with my CPA next week. During that meeting we will probably determine what the official name of my office will be. After that I can get going on designing business cards, letterhead, and announcements. Got the name of a computer guy from a colleague. Going to meet with the person I'm renting space from and another friend from law school who opened his own office. And I drafted agendas for all of the meetings. Oh, and I drafted most of the text for my website. Making pretty good progress, I think.

The newest addition to our family

2008-08-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

Introducing Miga........She is the cutest cat ever and so sweet. She likes to follow Mommy around and sit on her lap and purr. She's Hispanic so her purrs come out with an "r" that's very long. It sounds like purrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I will try to take some more pictures when she's awake. The only problem with that is she's always moving around and the pictures don't come out so well because she hasn't learned how to pose yet. Ok, so after I teach her how to pose for pictures, I will take some and post them.

Can you say whipped?

2008-08-11T13:04:00.001-07:00

Neither can he. Chris can't speak unless he has her permission. That is a very short leash he's on.

PS-Ri, if you want to be taken seriously as an "artist" don't wear clothing with cartoon characters. It's cheesy.

Oh hi........

2008-08-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

I still hate my job. And I can't tell if it's because when I went into the boss's office on Friday to give him an assignment that he told me HAD to go out on that day he said "What do you need NOW?" What do I need now??? I'm sorry does he have me confused with someone else???? I'd only spoke to him once earlier in the day when he came into my office to give me an assignment. I completed the assignment and then went in his office for him to sign off on it. So, what do I need now???? I need you to fuck off you cranky bastard. And then please remember that unlike the 2 dead weight new attorneys that are in the office, I don't need to talk to you 6 times a day for instructions on how to do something. I know how to do my job. Maybe one of the new attys will get canned and I can take their cases. That's really positive thinking for you.

The other reason I can't stand coming into the office these days is because, well, I have hardly any work to do. I brought this to the boss's attention 3 weeks ago. And I have been pretty good about keeping my hours up, but last week I could only really bill about 23 hours, and that was really trying. And this week, um, I don't have shit to do. So, I'm pretty much going to forget about getting my big bonus at the end of the year because that probably won't be happening at the rate things are going, which sucks really sucks. But on the bright side, since I know I'm not getting my bonus, I can just stop trying hard in the office and just coast by until December. Then, come late December, after I've used this place to just collect a salary and pay for Christmas presents, I'll quit and never have to come back here again.

Maybe I will do what the bf said and try to get things done for my office. He's much better at being positive than I am. He's good like that.

I am going to post pictures of my new kitty tomorrow. She is SO cute.

Quiet

2008-08-05T13:29:00.000-07:00

It's been so quiet at my office this week. And it's not just due to the lack of work. It's also my boss' secretary. She on vacation all week. And she is the most talkative person in the office, and her desk is right across from mine. Sometimes I actually walk away from her because she can't stop talking. I'm going to enjoy the quiet for now. The yapping begins again on Monday.

Mondays

2008-08-04T13:33:00.000-07:00

Hi. I'm using this Monday to extend my weekend by one day. Yes, technically I'm in the office. But, I haven't done anything all day except eat lunch with the other attorneys. So, it looks like I am going to have to be really productive one day this week to make up for today's laziness.

My work computer has been acting up lately. Today it was making this buzzing noise, until I hit it 2 times, and then the noise stopped. Who knew I was so technically inclined?

And speaking of technology........we went out and got my bf an iphone this weekend. That thing is pretty cool. I was thinking I was going to get a Blackberry in December for my new office, but I am beginning to think twice. I'm just wondering if I have enough willpower to not play on the iphone all day and actually get some work done. I guess we'll see come January.

And I am very happy to report that I am the proud Mommy to a 9 year-old-kitty. She is the most beautiful cat ever, and so incredibly sweet! Even her Stepdad said she was pretty, and that was just from looking at pictures on my phone! Wait until he sees her in person.

I got her from the Humane Society of Broward County. I decided that adopting an adult cat was probably a better bet then getting a kitten that had way too much energy and would trash my house on day 1. Plus, my cat was the prettiest one there, and she's nice too. I'm really excited about the newest addition to the family. She follows me all over the place. It's adorable. I'll post a pic as soon as I can.

Oh, hells yeah

2008-08-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

Georgia tops preseason poll, UF picked fifth
Posted on Fri, Aug. 01, 2008

GAINESVILLE -- The Dawgs have got something to bark about.
For the first time in their football-playing history, the Georgia Bulldogs are ranked No. 1 in a major preseason poll. The USA Today preseason coaches' poll was released Friday, and Georgia will start the season at the top. Coach Mark Richt's team clobbered Hawaii last season in the Sugar Bowl and apparently voters still remember the 41-10 beating. Georgia, which returns 17 starters, is one of three teams from the Southeastern Conference ranked in the top six. Florida, led by Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Tim Tebow is ranked No. 5. LSU, the defending national champion, is one spot behind the Gators. The Tigers will begin the season with an unproven quarterback after coach Les Miles dismissed Ryan Perrilloux (failed drug tests) from the team this offseason.
Neither Miami nor Florida State is ranked in the poll, though FSU did receive 53 votes. That's 53 more votes than the Hurricanes received. This is the second consecutive preseason coaches' poll to exclude UM.

South Florida, however, is ranked No. 21. It's the first preseason ranking for the Bulls in their 11-year history. USF returns 17 starters from its breakout season in 2007, including quarterback Matt Grothe and four offensive linemen.

Southern California is ranked No. 2 followed by Ohio State. Those rankings aren't expected to hold up for long, though. The Buckeyes, losers of the previous two BCS title games, travel to Los Angeles on Sept. 13 to play the Trojans.

Big 12 favorite Oklahoma is No. 4. The Sooners finished the 2007 season ranked eighth by the coaches after losing to Missouri in the Fiesta Bowl. Oklahoma returns quarterback Sam Bradford, who led the country in passing efficiency last season.
Rounding out the top 10 are Missouri, West Virginia, Clemson and Texas.
Clemson, ranked ninth, is the preseason favorite to win the Atlantic Coast Conference. ACC title contenders Virginia Tech (15) and Wake Forest (23) are also ranked.
Teams from the SEC, Big Ten and Big 12 combine to make up 60 percent of the poll. In addition to Georgia, Florida and LSU, the SEC is represented by Auburn (11) and Tennessee (18). Auburn, which boasts 25 Floridians (including 10 from Miami-Dade and Broward counties), begins the season with two new coordinators and a quarterback controversy.
Joining Ohio State in the top 25 are Big Ten brethren Wisconsin (12), Illinois (19), Penn State (22) and Michigan (25). The Big 12 has more teams ranked in the coaches' top 15 than any other conference. In addition to Oklahoma, Missouri and Texas, Kansas (the reigning Orange Bowl champ) is ranked No. 13 followed by Texas Tech at 14.

This week

2008-08-01T11:09:00.000-07:00

It didn't suck as much as it could have. Big boss was out of the office and will be until next Wednesday. While that is good because I don't have someone screaming my name, summoning me into their office, it also meant that I needed to get a little creative with stuff to do at work. So I ended up going to 2 hearings I didn't really have to so I could bill time, and also so I didn't have to be in the office, because, well, I fucking hate it.

I had a depo yesterday in a case with our new partner, who is WAY cooler than the 2 other partners. So I prepped for it like a MF because I really did not want to disappoint him, and because he trusts me soooooo much. And, the depo went great. I'm proud of myself. I don't feel like that all of the time, especially pertaining to work matters.

There has been a lot of drama in the office this week. I have not been part of any of it. My secretary has. She's kind of an instigator, and she has a big mouth too. Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I know we're not technically in the same "tree." But when she sees little Curlatini hanging up the phone on other attorneys, screaming at others, and threatening to bring certain people into a lawsuit because they are in this country illegally, and she knows it will scare the crap out of them, and will cause major disruptions in the business of another party in the suit, maybe she's using me as a "role model" of sorts. Maybe that's not such a good thing sometimes. But I did just go to visit my grandmother out of town, and I use copious amounts of my patience to not lose it with people in my personal life. So, maybe she will see that too. Or maybe she will just see when I am jerky and mean. Hmmmm.

I hope I have a good weekend. I'm kind of looking forward to it, but I worry still about people and things, and crap I probably should not worry about. It's hard for me to relax. I may have mentioned this before.

The new cleaning service started today. I'm excited to see how clean my house is, and also if the cleaning people broke and/or stole anything. And that MF better be clean because they were sending 2 people to clean my house for 4 hours! That's 8 hours of cleaning. So if I hear that they were "too busy" cleaning up my dirt (and I live alone, it's not that dirty to begin with) to iron my 4 shirts and 1 pair of pants, I won't be pleased. And I will also probably say "WTF." But not just the letters, the actual words.

I looked at the humane society website for the location near my house. There are several cute long haired kitties that seemed to be saying "hi mommy, prrrrrrrrrr. Look how soft and pretty we are." I might go by and visit, and i might accidentally adopt one and she will become my new friend. I have been thinking about this for a while. I am tired of being alone when I don't want to be. There's only so many things I can discuss with myself. It makes me sad. Like those kitties might feel neglected and sad living in their little cages. So maybe I will rescue one and we can hang out together. Maybe the fact that I hate my job is making me drepressed about other things that normally would make me happy. Not sure I can last here until January. That seems so far away.

Oh, and I went out to lunch with the other attorneys in the office and the office manager today. We think the lady boss will be at the swingers convention at the Diplomat this weekend. The thought of that makes me want to puke. Not just because the idea of "swinging" is vile, but also lady boss is vile, and uhhhh yuck. If you ever saw her you might make the same comment a friend of mine did at our office Christmas party last year---"What is wrong with her face?" Yes, it's that bad. I can't wait until I never have to look at her again.

This might not have been the most professional thing I've ever done

2008-07-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

And it's only happened 2 times since I've been practicing law. Um, I kind of hung up the phone on someone. Opposing counsel in one of my cases, in fact.

Now, this is a tactic that I sometimes employ in my personal life. And usually when I hang up on the person I feel terrible afterwards.

But when I hang up on someone at work I feel no remorse. Especially this time. A party in one of my cases has had 5 months to answer my discovery. And instead of filing a motion to compel and setting it right away, I was nice. I wrote a letter reminding him the discovery was overdue, and I made telephone calls too. Neither were returned. I never got answers to my discovery, so I filed motions to compel.

I'm supposed to go to court tomorrow and argue these motions. I know I will win, and it's a huge waste of my client's money, and I just don't feel like going. So, I (or rather my secretary, the angel) tried to work it out with the other attorney. He asked for 20 days. I let him have 10 instead. You know, out of principle. He's figuring it's already been 5 months, what's another 3 weeks.

Then he just called me saying he would get everything to me in 20 days. I said I offered him 10, not 20 days. He asked what difference it made.

SIDEBAR:In reality it doesn't make a difference, but I don't like when people ignore me and my clients for 5 months and then call me and act like they're doing me a favor, I usually don't appreciate it.

I told him that the discovery was 5 months overdue and my client was already extremely prejudiced, and that if he didn't agree to my offer I was going to ask the judge for $750 in fees (which I have asked for and received in other cases), and that I would get it. He actually said "Oh please." And then he said it several more times. And he may have said it several times after that, but since I hung up the phone I'll never know.

Guess what I did?

2008-07-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

Hired someone to clean my house. I hate to do it. My place is getting dirty. I can't be bothered with annoying crap like that anymore. I'm over it. I have other things to worry about.

That is all.

Dear Mariah

2008-07-23T06:55:00.001-07:00

Do you own a single piece of clothing that is age appropriate? The outfit you're wearing looks like it came from Forever 21. Fire your stylist, immediately!

I'm a little concerned about Monday

2008-07-18T11:37:00.000-07:00

Hi. My deposition in my guardian ad litem case is Monday. The attorney for the father is a scary, scary monster. She's a nightmare, a total bitch, and she has multiple personality disorder. I'm a little nervous.

And I'm expecting her to call me in a rage very shortly. I just wrote a nasty letter to her saying her client hasn't paid me in 9 months, owes my firm 5K, and that if he didn't pay the firm $2500 by Monday morning I wouldn't be testifying unless she got a court order. Oops. Was that a little bitchy of me????? I guess she's a good role model for that sort of thing.

I was going to start my diet for my friend's wedding in September this weekend. The diet calls for a dramatic decrease of alcoholic beverages. I don't think I can do that until after Monday. Ok, so let's say I will start my new diet on Tuesday. But then I am going away on Thursday for the weekend and I know that I will not stay on the diet while away. Crap. So, let's be realistic. Maybe I can start the new diet in 10 days.

But I will go to the gym tomorrow morning. That's when all the hot guys are there. See what gets me motivated?

I don't really like bugs

2008-07-18T08:30:00.000-07:00

Especially big, scary ones like spiders and roaches. So yesterday when I was leaving the office I was none too pleased what I found WAY too close to my car.

Here's what happened, I was already in a freaked out mood when some weird guy followed me out of the elevator. I kept looking over my shoulder to see that he wasn't following me to the car. When I looked forward and continued walking to my car I saw something so scary and gross that I just froze. I couldn't move. I just stared at "it" and literally said "Oh my God," really loud. It was the biggest fucking roach I had ever seen in my life. And it looked like it had come straight out of the prehistoric era. I walked 20 feet out of my way to get to my car.

And then this morning it was by the elevators, on its back. And even though it was dead, I still ran into the elevator because it is just so gross and scary. OK, so now you know what my "kryptonite" is. If you hate me, please do not send me roaches. Just continue your silent dislike of me. Thanks.

Star Jones and her gay soon-to-be ex-husband

2008-07-16T06:49:00.000-07:00

Below is an article I copied from a very reputable source: people.com. Big Gay Al says he wants to be friends with Star after the divorce is final. Dear Al, that is just not going to work. I know this because it is the same reason I am not friends with any of my ex-boyfriends. The relationship ended for a reason. It usually isn't mutual, and there can not be any free and honest communication between the 2 people who used to be in the relationship together. So, to the people who want to "still be friends" I say to you: it's not gonna happen. Ok? It's a nice thought, but it just doesn't work.

And, here's the reason I posted the picture of the lovely ex-couple......Star's face! Holy crap. Plastic surgery much? Botox too much? And, yes dear, we know you lost all that weight from the gastric bypass surgery which you denied having for years, but now your face is too big for your body. Can you get that reduced too?
__________________________________________________________________

Star Jones's ex, Al Reynolds, wants to set the record straight – really straight. "I am not a homosexual," he says on a new YouTube video posted Tuesday. Reynolds also claimed that he still carries a torch for the former View host, who filed for divorce earlier this year. But, in a series of three videos, he admits the two are not on speaking terms. "It saddens me," he says. "Our relationship is a little tender and hopefully over time we can heal a lot of that, and we can become friends again." (He echoed that sentiment to the Associated Press, telling the wire service: "I still very much love her. I do. I can't lie to you.") Jones and Reynolds tied the knot in an over-the-top ceremony in November 2004. So what went wrong in their three-year union? He says problems began in 2007, when Jones was launching her truTV talk show and he began teaching at Miami's Florida Memorial University. "I don't know if I can point to a specific thing that happened," Reynolds claims in one YouTube post. "I felt like we started to grow apart." The 37-year-old, former banker says he has not dated anyone since his split. "I feel like I've still got a little bit of healing to do," he adds. "After the divorce is final, I'll probably be a little bit more interested in that. Right now, I'm focusing on teaching and finishing my doctorate degree."

Today's lunch

2008-07-15T11:27:00.001-07:00

I have a warning for everyone: DO NOT, under any circumstances, eat Progresso light vegetable barley soup. It will give you heartburn, and cause you to suffer extreme stomach cramping. I think I'm actually starting to get a shooting pain down my right arm because of it as well. Either that or I'm having a heart attack, and I like to think that I'm too young and too fit to be having a heart attack.

Seriously, save yourself the abdominal pain and do not eat this soup, ever!

Happy Anniversary from........

2008-07-14T11:52:00.000-07:00

The General Manager of the dealership where I bought my car. He left me a very personal message wishing me a happy first anniversary. Is that the dumbest thing you have ever hear of? I understand wanting to give good customer service, but that is a little over the top.

BTW, what do you get your car for your first anniversary together? Should I fill up with super instead of regular unleaded?

Date night

2008-07-10T13:30:00.000-07:00

Yes my friends, its that time of year......when Saks and Niemans have their huge blowout sales. And that's where I'll be about 1 hour after I get out of ~~jail~~ work. I am going to browse racks and racks of discounted expensive clothing, and I probably will buy nothing because when I really want to buy something I usually don't find anything I want. Does that make sense?

Like for instance, today I was browsing an online shoe store and bought 2 pairs of shoes. Ok, yes, I've wanted some new shoes for a while, but did I really have this pair of purple "croc" heels in mind? No. But did I buy them anyway? Yes. And were they probably too expensive? I'm a woman, do you really have to ask?

I wasn't really looking for a brown pair of shoes either, but these (see below) were too cute to pass up! And, guess what else? I had a coupon. So, I'm not paying full price. Which means I can buy more things, right???

So, after work I'm going on a date with myself. Shopping the sales, and while I'm at the mall I may even go into stores where nothing is on sale, just because I can. And after that I'm treating myself to dinner at PF Changs. I have been craving those lettuce wraps, yum. And I'm sure the date is go great because, well, it's me.

Mamma Mia!

2008-07-10T11:32:00.000-07:00

I saw this musical in New York City a few years ago, and when it finally ended, I thought to myself "I paid $150 to see that???" And I've had a bad taste in my mouth about the whole thing ever since. But now, the movie version of the movie is coming out and I am getting really excited about seeing it. Even sitting here right now I can't get that music out of my head! And I'm very interested to hear Meryl Streep's singing. Hmmmm.....

I'm almost as excited to see this movie as I was to see Sex and the City. And, I love musicals!

New attorney update

2008-07-08T14:15:00.001-07:00

Yesterday the new attorney at our firm left 30 minutes before me! I'm glad she's already not trying to look busy or work hard. The bosses can hate on her now, I'm sick of them hating on me!

Oh yes, and the other new attorney says that she has to stay until 8 every night in order to get her hours and billing done. I wonder when she's going to figure it out. I'm certainly not going to tell her.

Her Dad is going to be so disappointed

2008-07-08T11:38:00.000-07:00

Hi All. I think I may have mentioned way back when that I have a ton of feral cats in my neighborhood. My idiot neighbor feeds them, and then after their delicious meal, they relieve themselves on my lawn, my flowers, my plants, and anywhere else they know I can smell it. Due to the fact that I am HOA President I can inform my neighbors that they need to cease and desist certain activities and sign the "memo" on behalf of the Board. I do this with some regularity as it seems that since I've become a homeowner, I have also become the neighbor that complains about her neighbors constantly because they allow their dogs to bark at inappropriate times or becuase they invite the cats to poop in my yard by feeding them practically in my yard. Oh, and BTW, the dog barking thing, I didn't even give the neighbors a warning I just called the cops on them because disturbing my sleep is unforgivable!

Anywhoo, I resolved the issue with the cat-feeding neighbor. She now feeds them off of association property and they have found alternate places to poop. But that hasn't taken care of the cat population altogether. You see, I'm a cat person. And I'm a real sucker for kittens. So, a few months ago, when a mommy cat decided to have her kittens in my backyard, I didn't scare the mommy away, and force her to take the kittens with her. I waited until mommy was hunting, or sleeping with herBF, and then i picked up each of the FIVE kittens and played with them, and cuddled them, and talked to them like they were my babies. OMG they were so cute! And when the mommy came back to visit the kids I counseled her about the dangers of teenage pregnancy (I'm not even sure mommy was a year old when the kittens were born). That teenage pregnancy can lead a person to dropout of school, do drugs, drink too much, and lead your kids down the wrong path..........

Fast forward to yesterday. The mommy isn't around much anymore, but there are 2 kittens that still like to play in my backyard, and they are just too cute to scare away. Plus I like to watch them play and give them motherly advice from time to time, since it appears as though their own mother has gone back to streetwalking, and they're now my adopted children.

So, now the kittens are about 12 weeks old and still cute and little. One is all black, and the other is black with a white spot on her face with long fluffy fur. She's my favorite. And she's so pretty, I'm sure that's why the pedophile tomcat wanted to "make nice" with her. They are still so young. The thought never even crossed my mind to give them the "birds and bees" talk. But maybe I should have talked to them about "strangers."

It happened yesterday when I was on the phone with Grandma Curl (because I'm the Mommy). We are just chatting away when I decided to open the blinds and check on my babies outside. What I saw horrified me! My precious baby was trapped on the ground under a sexual predator of the cat world, and it looked like he was about to make my baby a woman! I don't think he actually did anything yet because she wasn't crying, he was just "getting ready." And the worst part of the whole thing was that there were 2 other cats there just watching!

But then again, maybe my kitty wanted it! Maybe she wanted to "experiment." Experiment? With sex? She's not even in college yet. Kids these days grow up so fast.

And, reacting to what I was witnessing, as any protective parent would do, I was outside in about 1 second flat and attempted to strangle the "rapist/kitty molester." But he ran away, and I couldn't catch him. So the next time I see him, I'm just going to try and run him over with my car.

And here's where we get to the title of this post. My BF, he's a little more conservative than I am. Maybe I can be a little more understanding of this whole situation, that our little baby is going to be a slut just like her Mom (the cat one, not me), and he is going to be so disappointed (that's right, you're the kitten's "daddy," I just decided today). Maybe he will decide to take a more active role in the life of our kitten, and try to talk to her like I do. Or maybe he will ignore her, like he usually does because he's a dog person, who condones sex between a kitten and a cat.

Our little baby is all grown up. I'm going to be a grandmother soon and I'm only 31. Cry.

Long weekend report

2008-07-07T13:29:00.000-07:00

Apparently I think that I'm still 21. But in reality I'm 21 plus 10, and can no longer recover as quickly when I go out all night, and even for several nights in a row. Anyway, I spent lots of time with the bf and loved every minute of it. Ate good food, drank adult beverages, and socialized with friends.

The weekend was so good that it was even more difficult to come into the office today. But, the fact that there was no traffic helped the situation. And taking a 1.5 hour lunch helped too. Oh, and I did hardly any work, and I'm still going to leave at 5:30. And, the 2nd new attorney started at my firm today, which is great because that means that my bosses can bother and annoy the 2 new people and leave me the f*&% alone. I think by the end of next week the bosses will have forgotten my name altogether. Wonderful.

Rehab results

2008-07-03T06:50:00.000-07:00

Apparently, rehab turned Linsay Lohan into a lesbian. But her girlfriend looks like a man. Hmmmmm.

Office July 4 observance

2008-07-02T10:51:00.000-07:00

In observance of July 4, the office is closing at 3:30. Great that's 1.5 hours I won't have to worry about billing.

I hate billiable hours

2008-07-02T10:22:00.000-07:00

The billable hour requirement at my firm causes me much stress. Especially since I don't have much work to do right now. I still have to find about 3 hours of work to bill for yesterday in addition to the 8 plus hours I need for today. And don't even get me started about tomorrow. Maybe I will call in sick since I will be sick after sitting here all day with nothing to do and worrying about it. But then that may look suspicious since the next day is July 4. Shit. This office is such crap. I hate it here.

Yummy

2008-06-30T12:23:00.000-07:00

The best reason to watch Lipstick Jungle.

69

2008-06-27T10:11:00.000-07:00

Who knew that 69 was the magic number to get the best sleep ever! And no you perverted readers, I'm not talking about the sex act ~~although maybe subconsciously I wish I were talking about the sex act~~. What I'm talking about is the setting of the thermostat at my house. Yes, I've been doing a little experimenting, and I've noticed that setting the thermostat one degree lower causes me to go into hibernation sleep, where nothing wakes me up...not the (very early) birds that start chirping at 5a.m., not the neighbor's annoying dog, not even my alarm clock. The alarm clock thing might pose a problem, but I turned up the volume. I'm smart like that.

And the hibernation sleep has been causing me to have very weird dreams all week too. No, not sex dreams ~~I think about that too much when I'm awake, that subject doesn't need to creep into my dreams too~~. I dreamt that I inherited my grandmother's house. And the house started out looking just like my grandmother's house looked. And then people started telling me what a crappy house it was, and they were making fun of me for it. So, I started to renovate the house and by the end of the dream, I renovated this cute little white house in Miami to a huge, beautiful, loft that was worth $3 million. In my dream I actually said "and now it's worth $3 million."

Although I'm not sure how random that dream really was because I have been thinking about my grandmother a lot lately, and I've also been thinking about when I would sell my house and how much I could possibly get for it. I think I've come to some decisions about the house. And about my grandmother, I think about her a lot when I'm not so happy. I'm kind of stressed out and I can't really stand my job. I think about what she would say to me about everything. I wonder if Mimi would be proud of me, of the decisions I've made since she's been gone, and of the career I've chosen. Although I'm sure she'd support my decision to open my own practice. After all, she started her own practice after not getting enough respect from her employer, and I'm pretty much doing the same thing.

Now that I'm really taking the time to think about it, I'm so much like her. She's been my role model for years. I even wrote about how much I emulated her in my personal statement when I was applying to law school. And now, without even really thinking about it, or realizing it, everything that I wanted for myself years ago, is finally happening. Maybe it's better that it's taking a little longer than I originally expected for my life to come together the way I wanted it to. I'm ready now.

Minor panic

2008-06-26T10:18:00.001-07:00

So, our IT guy at work is an idiot. Every time he comes to our office, the next day the computers will invariably have all sorts of problems. Which usually means that I have to restart my computer 17 times until it works. He also tries to flirt which me, which makes me want to puke because the guy is just gross and yucky.

He came into our office this week to do something on Monday and on Tuesday our e-mails stopped going through to several huge clients. He also put in an internet filter, which means I can no longer visit perezhilton.com after lunch anymore. But today, my gmail account was getting blocked by the internet filter. WTF? I panicked. If I couldn't get into gmail that would mean that I couldn't check my e-mail or write on the blog that I have been recently neglecting, or talk on gchat. Holy crap. How would I spend my day now? I was really beginning to get a little worried.

So, I went to FB and told her that the internet filter was blocking me from logging onto the legal research website that we use on a daily business (and it actually blocked me once, so I wasn't necessarily making something up). And in turn, FB called IT guy and told him to lower the filter strength, or something like that. I don't know about computer stuff. I don't know the terminology, ok. And now access to gmail is back. Score. I'm a lawyer, that's how I roll.

Quick question

2008-06-25T14:28:00.000-07:00

When you're at work, and the only things you look forward to all day are lunch and leaving work, is that a bad sign?

I'm just saying, it is going to be very difficult for me to stay at this office for 6 more months.

Mini-me sex tape

2008-06-25T14:15:00.000-07:00

Give me an Fing break! I can hardly watch the man when he's fully clothed, or really at all for that matter. Does anyone remember the Surreal World when he was wasted, naked, and urinating in the corner. So, a sex tape. Um, WTF? Gross.

Comments

2008-06-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

Ok people. Let's go over this one more time. I post stories, articles, and rants on this blog, and you comment on them. I think you're forgetting to make comments. So, I'm just going to politely remind you to please comment. I have a site meter. I know how many people read this blog, but no one makes comments. Please start again, I need encouragement.

Thanks,

Curlatini

Here's a client I'd like to have......

2008-06-24T09:16:00.001-07:00

Recently an editorial was printed in the Miami Herald about someone I may have worked for in the past. He's now being offered the city attorney's position for the City of Sunrise with a salary of $432,000, and he can accept other private clients. If people are so upset about his salary, Might I suggest accepting bids from other attorneys. I'll take the job for 200K. Hire me! I've already worked for the City of Sunrise, and the guy whose being offered the job. Surely some of his luster has rubbed off on me!

Here's the article:
http://www.miamiherald.com/news/broward/story/575486.html

It's really hard for me to be positive sometimes

2008-06-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's just me, but when I'm upset about something, it kind of starts to leak into other things that I may not be upset about, but that are on my mind nonetheless. And then those "other things" start to take on a negative state as well, and this continues until I'm just upset about everything. That is exactly how I feel right now. I've had a terrible week at work, with so much stress and anxiety. I had to travel for a client and was extremely worried about my performance on the trip. My flight back home got in around 2am, and when I got into the office then next day I'm worrying about when my female boss is going to try and stab me in the back next. I hate her and this job. Oh yes, and my semi-annual review is this afternoon, and the "constructive criticism" I'm not going to get will not come as a surprise because my boss decided to give me a sneak peek on Monday night. Before I left for my business trip. He scared the hell out of me. Thanks for the pep talk, boss. He's such a good leader!

So, this morning as I was driving into the office I was thinking about everything and really just felt like crying. And it doesn't make everything better, but sometimes it feels good.

Just wondering

2008-06-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

Why does this woman have less wrinkles than me? I'm guessing she's at least 70. I'm 40 years younger than her. If anyone knows who her doctor is, e-mail me ASAP.

And, is that a wig?????

Vacation report.....finally

2008-06-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

Well, we've been back for a week now and I am finally posting about the big trip to the Dominican Republic. The delay in posting comments about the trip should give you some indication of the effect it had on me. No, it didn't make me lazy, but thanks so much for thinking that. I'm relaxed. And a week later I still feel that way. It was nice to sit around in the sun all day and not have to do anything. In fact, the biggest decision we made each day on the trip was which restaurant to eat dinner at.

Ok, here's the big news: we survived each other for 5 days straight, we had fun together, we're still having fun together, and I think we've never been better together.

I can't stop smiling.

Vacation!

2008-06-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

Hi. We leave for the Dominican Republic tomorrow. I can't really concentrate on work because I'm so excited. That is not great considering that I kind of have a lot to do today, like some little assignments that are not going to take long to finish, but I've been putting off for days and a response to a Motion for Summary Judgment, and empty my inbox, which is now overflowing because I wasn't in the office yesterday.

Ok, so I am going to cut this short and try to get busy, because tonight I'm going to a happy hour/networking event thing and I can't stay late, and who wants to stay late anyway when I could be having drinks with my friends?

PS--This morning, I thought I might have to take a favorite pair of heels to the shoe repair place for an expensive repair. But instead, I took out the super glue and did the repair myself. Now I'll just spend that money on an expensive lunch.

Monday morning check in

2008-06-02T11:07:00.000-07:00

Hi. I know the weekend just ended and everything, but you know what? I'm still really tired. My Mom says its stress. And considering the month I've had, I think I might agree with that diagnosis because I would venture to say that I've just concluded one of the most stressful months ever. And I've been working out like mad to get ready for the trip to the DR.

And this weekend after I was done in the gym I decided to exercise outside, not realizing that it was 100 degrees until halfway through the workout I began to feel a little woozy and went home. Sweating and excessive heat make you tired too, right? Ok so I have many reasons for being tired.

And silly me for thinking I might have an easy week because this morning my lady boss says that instead of just doing some small research project for her, I need to draft a whole response to a Motion for Summary Judgment (because she doesn't know how to and has admitted as much to me). So, because I want her to think that I care about pleasing her, I'll do it, and I will do a very good job on it so that when she reads my response to the Motion she will learn how its done. Isn't it nice when you can teach your boss how to do something that they are already supposed to know how to do?

And I'm still going to Atlanta tomorrow. So, I'll have to finalize my "big assignment" on Wednesday in between my manicure appointment and my after work, previously scheduled social activity/networking event.

And then, in three short days, I am off to the DR with my manfriend. That's my new word from the Sex and the City movie, which I saw last night, and which caused me not to go to sleep until after midnight, which also may account for my tired state.

Ok, I need to work a little and then go to lunch, and then get my dry cleaning, and then work a little more, and then work out and then sleep.

So, yeah, that's pretty much my day, in case you were interested, which you're probably not because it is so boring.

I will try to bring humor back after my vacation. It seems to have disappeared along with my energy.

Mission Accomplished

2008-05-29T17:25:00.000-07:00

Dear everyone, I did it. I reached my goal of billing 1000 in six months. And, you know what, after everything is said and done, I will probably have about 10 hours over, which means that I'm going to get my bonus and more $ on top of that for going over 1000 hours, and then I'm going to ask for 50% of the fees from a case that I was appointed on by a judge and which my firm would never even have without me. I think 50% is fair. I may actually get a pretty significant bonus:)

Good now I can pay for all of my vacations and save some money for my future career plans. I actually feel kind of grown up all of a sudden. And tired. From working so much and it's only Thursday. I guess it's good for me that I'm going to an ALL DAY deposition tomorrow and then out of town on Tuesday for business, to Atlanta, there and back in one day. And then, I FINALLY leave for vacation on Thursday.

Another Shotgun Wedding for Hollywood

2008-05-29T06:10:00.000-07:00

But the best part of this one is that Joe Simpson had to #1 pretend to be happy he was paying for it and #2 pretend to be happy his daughter is marrying a gay man.
_____________________________________________________________

Newlyweds Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz expecting baby
Posted on Thu, May. 29, 2008

LOS ANGELES -- Newlyweds Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz say they are expecting a baby.
"While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child," read a statement Wednesday on Wentz's blog. "This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family."
Simpson-Wentz, 23, and Fall Out Boy bassist Wentz, 28, exchanged vows earlier this month at Simpson's parents' Los Angeles-area home. Sister Jessica was the maid of honor.
The newlywed pop singer will go by Ashlee Wentz in private and professionally as Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, according to a report posted Wednesday on People.com.
The couple began dating in fall 2006 and announced their engagement April 9.
Simpson-Wentz's latest album, "Bittersweet World," was released last month. It peaked at No. 4 on the Billboard 200 in its first week, and tracks have logged more than 19 million plays on her MySpace page.
A representative for Simpson-Wentz did not immediately return a call Wednesday seeking comment.

Current mood

2008-05-27T12:29:00.000-07:00

Very happy. Good weekend, lots of sleep, lots of working out, lots of socializing. I think all weekends should be three days. And, you know what? When I have my own office they very well might be.

Also, I am only 31 billable hours away from billing 1000 hours in six months which is incredibly stressful, but at least I'll get my bonus, and then a bigger one at year's end.

And, I'm going to Atlanta for work next week and I think Philly two weeks after that, which means lots of billable hours and me not worried about billing time.

Last, our trip to the DR is in a week and a half! I tried on all the cute outfits I'm bringing (yes, I'm a girl, we do that sort of thing) and I'm so excited!

My job sucks again

2008-05-19T14:03:00.000-07:00

Remember a few weeks ago when I was kind of worried because I had so much work and not enough time to do it? And I was billing 55 hours a week? And I was so busy that I didn't have time to think about how much my job sucked? Those were good times.

Because now I am 2 weeks away from my deadline to bill 1000 hours in six months and I just need to bill 40 hours a week. But the problem is that this office is dead. There's no work left to do except work on the loser cases my female boss handed down to me because she's too stupid to figure them out herself. And those cases also suck because they are losers, meaning I can't win them no matter how hard I try. And there's nothing I hate more than filing bullshit pleadings with the court just to look like I'm doing something for my client.

So even if I make my bonus, I am going to take this summer to think long and hard about realistically how much longer I can stand it here. I don't think I can make it until January.

Monday morning recap

2008-05-19T09:35:00.000-07:00

Hi. I think mosquito season has started up again. I watered my plants last night and was bitten 13 times. I thought to myself, you should really put some bug spray on, but I didn't have any bug spray and I had just gotten back from an exhaustive shopping run at CVS. Note to self--get bug spray.

After watering the plants I went inside, but someone followed me. Guess who ~~the Curlatini-loving mosquito~~? Then I was eating dinner and got attacked. Then I went to sleep and hid under the covers. I got up this morning and guess who was waiting for me? She was. Another attack. I hope she dies while I'm at work. I feel faint from all this blood loss.

Old sayings

2008-05-14T16:48:00.000-07:00

You know the old sayings "everything happens for a reason," and other stupid phrases like that? I would like to meet that person who made those up and punch them in the face.

I've tried to live my life always doing the "right" thing, only to never feel rewarded. Why should I continue to do the "right" thing when I never feel like it works out for me? Ok, I'm going to say it: it's not fair. And you will probably say: life's not fair. But I feel like life is super unfair to me. It is really true that going through so much crap makes you stronger? If so I should be very strong, but I feel so weak and unable to cope.

I don't think I've stopped crying all day. I break out into a cold sweat once an hour. I feel so weak I can hardly hold my arms up and I threw up twice even though I haven't eaten since last night. To say that I'm upset is an understatement.

Unexpected drought causes attorney to worry

2008-05-13T13:45:00.000-07:00

But not that much. I know I can make work for myself if I try. But I don't really want to try until tomorrow or Thursday. So for now I'm just going to tie up the loose ends on my desk and start fresh another day.

Plus, I have some TV shows to catch up on. I just watched last week's episode of The Office. Um, can you say brilliant? I had to close the door to my office because I was laughing so hard. Next I'm going to watch the last episode of Lipstick Jungle, which I have no doubt will NOT be as funny as The Office, but entertaining nonetheless.

So, yeah, that's how my day's going.

And in a mere three hours I can escape from my cage and get out of here. I'm really looking forward to another super long cardio session in the park. And while I though it would suck to work out without my ipod (it died on my this weekend and has yet to be replaced), it's not that bad at all. After then the bf is coming over. And I am pretty sure he said "we're going to have fun." He never says that. I am wondering what that means, and looking forward to finding out.

Skimpy prom dress

2008-05-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

This girl got arrested at her prom after causing a scene when school officials wouldn't let her in because of her skimpy dress. Here's one time when I'm going to support the decision of school officials. That dress looks like something a stripper would wear.

And how could her parent(s) allow her to leave the house like that?

I used to wear some skimpy clothing back in the day, but that was nothing compared to this future pole dancer.

PS--lose the sunglasses. That look is dumb even on celebrities.

Monday morning, my junk e-mail folder

2008-05-12T09:49:00.000-07:00

Below please find the contents of my junk e-mail folder from this morning.

My personal favorite quotes are "get a bigger sausage today," that's just funny, and "ejaculate like a fountain," which is disgusting and not something that I would think women would want, at least I don't. Yuck.
______________________________________________________

Sahnoune

‎Get a bigger sausage today - She will give you fantasies you will never forget http://www.mibrean.com

8:33 am

Gay Busby

‎Shhh Did you hear about How BIG he was? - destructor Mine Is Bigger Then Yours,Let me show! amphibole http://tldcqf.caterdesall.net …

7:03 am

Tricia Hays

‎Too short ? we can help - onomatopoeic Mine Is Bigger Then Yours,Let me show! neglecter http://djneac.roledbintel.net …

2:54 am

Alisha Sargent

‎Mine Is Bigger Then Yours,Let me show! - belfry Fire off like a cannon! polaris http://tldcqf.caterdesall.net/?18191428

11:21 pm

Maryellen Combs

‎All the chicks will dig your giant dick! - cabin Last chance to supercharge your performance! aborigine http://dqtlvp.awningbolat.com …

10:30 pm

Adele Humphrey

‎Wanna be more man? Check this dude - heir Get more action in bed heterodyne http://onhate.olergistrok.com/?83785041

May 11

Beverley Miranda

‎Get more action with your lover - questionnaire Don't miss out on improving your performance! glaswegian= http://dqtlvp …

May 11

Joey Vick

‎Harder e r ections and s e x ual stamina - pee Doctor Approved And Recommended tibet http://onhate.olergistrok.com/?83785041

May 11

Bill Lundy

‎Fire off like a cannon! - denigrate You have nothing to lose, just a lot to gain! mycology http://eunvga.agerfaxeu.net …

May 11

Kestel

‎Mariah Carey wants to have your kids - Purely organic only, our herbal pills do wonder with little known herbs http://www.bliaune.com

May 11

Wiley Stone

‎Super-Size It Today ! - airlift Produce Stronger, Rock Hard Erections.=20 director http://wshvio.olergistrok.com …

May 11

Myrtle Sheridan

‎Don't be left behind- enlarge yourself now! - despise Increase Your Size and Your Power coworker http://qnfkje.awningbolat.com/?99693341

May 11

Errol Lindsay

‎You're lucky, 'cause you've found a super-p!ll! - melbourne Outgrow, Outsize, Outperform! bantu http://wshvio.olergistrok.com/?35606374

May 11

Twila Rogers

‎Women like men whats in mens pants - roman VPXL is your reality, Dreams are not! =20 cowherd http://qnfkje.awningbolat.com/?99693341

May 10

Lindsay Arias

‎Recent discoveries in herbal science - nephew You will work wonders in bed with magic love stick attitudinal http://psrdqw.roledbintel …

May 10

Neal

‎Your medical answer to growth problems - Give her the wildest night of her life http://www.nirooea.com

May 10

Fugler

‎Ejaculate like a fountain - Travel the world and see the softest, smoothest, and most delicate boobs with a mighty kangaroo …

May 9
Delete ForeverNot Spam

Another Facebook request from a non-friend

2008-05-08T09:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know why people that were never my friend to begin with want to be my friend on this Facebook site. The only reason I can think of is that they want to bring their friend count up. The chick that has recently asked me to be her friend already is "friends" with 268 other people. Like the last person, this person was in my section during my first year of law school, and I was told she talked about me behind my back. After I heard that, I made no effort to be her "friend" or "friendly" to her. Plus, I heard about all the guys she slept with in law school and I never said a word about it.

So, I don't think she wants to be my "friend" now because she has grown up and wants to move past all the immature things that happened in law school. I'm a realist. I know that slut hasn't matured one bit. And I have no desire to be her "friend." So, I am going to ignore her. And when she and I have a case against each other, I am going to be the meanest attorney ever. And when I drive home at the end of the day and think about how I acted, I'll smile.

I can be immature too, see?

MIA

2008-05-07T17:07:00.000-07:00

Um, hi. I've been working a lot. Many, many hours. Which has forced me to be super focused and thoughtful, and when I leave work it's hard to get out of "serious" mode which causes me to be serious and thoughtful after work too.

This has led me down a not so great path, the kind of path where you start thinking about 1 thing that bothers you, and then you think of 2, and then 3 and then......I hope you know where I'm going with this. I am worried and stressed out about things, ok? So, right about now I feel like curling up in the fetal position and staying there for about 3 days. And I'm really tired too. And I was reading this article about people saying they don't need to be in therapy because they have a blog, but I am beginning to rethink that notion. Because the things I'd discuss with my therapist would be way more involved that anything I discuss on this site. You see, I edit my posts on this site, because that's the responsible thing to do. So what do I do with the topics I hold back? Oh that's right---fetal position. Cry.

Double take

2008-05-07T09:55:00.000-07:00

Baby Lollipops defendant released from jail
Posted on Wed, May. 07, 2008

On the web Department of Corrections: Inmate release information
One of two women charged in the notorious Baby Lollipops case was released from prison earlier this year after serving 15 years of a 40-year sentence.
Olivia Gonzalez-Mendoza was released from prison on Jan. 1, state records show. She was the girlfriend of the baby's mother, Ana Maria Cardona, when police found the baby dead under a hedge in Miami Beach in 1990.
The 3-year-old child showed evidence of having been tortured. Police struggled to identify the child, who was called Baby Lollipops because of the T-shirt he was wearing when he was found.
Gonzalez-Mendoza pleaded guilty to second-degree murder and aggravated child abuse charges and testified against the little boy's mother, Ana Maria Cardona.
Cardona was convicted and sentenced to the death penalty, but the Florida Supreme Court overturned the sentence and ordered a new trial in 2002, ruling that defense attorneys should have been informed of three statements Gonzalez-Mendoza made early on in the investigation admitting that she also beat the child, who was named Lazaro Figueroa.
Gonzalez-Mendoza, 42, was sentenced under the laws that applied in 1992, before the Legislature changed prison gain-time rules to require that convicted criminals serve 85 percent of their sentences. Her release was first reported by WTVJ-NBC 6. She could not be reached for comment Wednesday.
Cardona, 46, is in Miami-Dade's Women's Detention Center awaiting a new trial.
_________________________________________________________________

Besides this being a horrible crime, you thought that was a picture of a man, didn't you???? I did. I had to read the story twice to figure it out.

Swamped

2008-05-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

After a almost 2 weeks of being chained to my desk and using my brain nonstop, I am going to attempt to take a break from everything this evening and recharge. That way I can wake up and do more work all weekend. I guess this total inundation of work came at a good time. I just realized in the past week that if I work my ass off for the next month, I will be able to meet my required hours and get my bonus. At this rate I will go over my required hours and get more than my bonus. Good, maybe that will pay for the trip to the DR. Night night.

This is pretty much how I feel......

2008-04-24T14:38:00.000-07:00

Read this blog entry from the South Florida Lawyer's blog:
http://southfloridalawyers.blogspot.com/2008/04/some-days-you-eat-bear-some-days-beart.html

It's all about how my profession runs on fear, and I totally agree.

I'm just saying.......

2008-04-23T10:09:00.000-07:00

If your boyfriend wears tight red jeans and flat irons his hair, you should be concerned that he "plays for the other team," if you know what I mean.

Ashley, you're on notice.

Rock of Love 2 reunion special

2008-04-21T10:06:00.000-07:00

So this weekend in between purchasing many gifts for friends, running tons of errands, working out like crazy, socializing, and celebrating Passover, I managed to catch the Rock of Love 2 reunion show. Here are some thoughts:

Why must Heather try to dress like a rock star? I think she actually looked like some type of modern day Janis Joplin, only prettier and sluttier. You can take the girl out of the strip club, but you can't take the strip club out of the girl.

Frenchie--she's just gross. I don't think that even Bret wants to see her naked.

Daisy--Change your name, it sounds like a stripper name. Oh, that's right she is a stripper, and a perfect advertisement for plastic surgery gone wrong.

Destiny--Reported that her Dad dies 2 weeks ago. Everyone cried, even me a little. I think I was just in a crying mood. That happens sometimes.

Friday's thought of the day

2008-04-18T10:36:00.000-07:00

Traffic slowdown

2008-04-18T10:35:00.000-07:00

There was a tiny bit of a snarl in the traffic pattern this morning. It seems as though there was a body in the middle of 95, the main road that takes you into downtown Miami. But even with that it only took me about 75 minutes to get to work today. And even though I got in at 9:30, I'm still leaving at 5.

It's happened again.

2008-04-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

Another person I was never friends with sent me a friend request on Facebook. She, like the other non-friend, that sent a friend request is very choosy about who she's friends with. She has 310 friends. The other guy had 491 friends. There's NO way you have that many friends. I don't even think my cell phone holds that many numbers.

So, I went to law school with this person and although she was in my section 1st year, I don't think I ever had a single conversation with her. AND, I saw her at my gym last year and she acted like she didn't even have the energy to say hi. Bitch. I confirmed her anyway. I don't want people to know I don't like them until they are my opposing counsel and then I can release my dislike of them guised as "I'm advocating for my client."

The pregnant man

2008-04-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, so everyone has been talking about the pregnant man and now it's my turn. I would have written about him sooner but someone forgot to TIVO Oprah for me after I asked my Dad to record it several times.

Anyway, because of that I had to do actual research which took me all of about 2 minutes.

Ok this is confusing. So the guy used to be a lady, and the lady wanted to be a man so she got rid of her boobs and started taking man juice. As you can see from the picture the man juice worked because look at all of that hair in manly places. And do you know what else the man juice did? It turned her clitoris into a mini penis, and now he can have small penis man sex with his wife. I'm sure the wife really enjoys that because, well, who doesn't like a small penis. And, oh yes, the wife is a lesbian, and she doesn't really like man parts at all, that why she's a lesbian! Is everyone following me so far?

So the lady wanted to be a man so much that she kept her internal lady parts because he/she thought that maybe one day he'd have a baby. Then they found a sperm donor and DECIDED TO DO THE ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION AT HOME BY THEMSELVES. If I was Oprah, my follow up question would be "and did you save the turkey baster to show it to your child when he or she begins to ask about where babies come from?" Honestly how the hell do you artificially inseminate yourself? And, no, I don't want to try it at home. I guess the man/lady would have to have a vagina??? OMG this is so confusing, and if I actually saw what it looked like in his downtown region I might throw up.

Now, I am cursing Oprah for not asking this question: "With all of that confusing stuff you've got going on down there, where on earth is the baby coming out of?" Maybe his nose. Or ear. That would be my first, and second guesses.

I have so many unanswered questions. I think Oprah should have the pregnant man on for a follow-up after the baby is born. I'll make the demand on behalf of the viewing audience.

Why is it that I'm never that shocked when the U.S. government does something stupid?

2008-04-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

A 22 year old gets a weapons contract from the U.S. government. Please tell me which government bureaucrat did the due diligence investigation on this guy. And then fire him. This is pathetic.

Read this article from the Miami Herald.....

___________________________________________________________________

Weapons dealer had minority status
A Miami Beach company under investigation for selling faulty munitions to the U.S. Army erroneously appeared as a minority-owned company on millions of dollars worth of government weapons contracts.
Posted on Fri, Apr. 11, 2008

Efraim Diveroli, the 22-year-old Miami Beach arms dealer, is already under investigation for allegedly selling banned Chinese munitions to the U.S. government.
Now Diveroli's firm, AEY, is being singled out as an example of fraud and mismanagement in how the federal government awards contracts to small and minority-owned businesses.
Sen. John Kerry, chairman of the committee on Small Business and Entrepreneurship, said AEY won as many as 50 contracts worth $298 million, in part because of its designation as a small disadvantaged business -- a status reserved for people belonging to certain minority groups who can prove their net worth is under $750,000.
There's no evidence that AEY ever asked for the special status or would have been eligible. Diveroli's grandfather is Italian -- not one of the minorities singled out under the program.
The incident sheds light on what some business advocates contend are efforts to inflate contracting numbers in order to exaggerate the government's commitment to small and minority-owned firms. Since 1995 there have been 13 government investigations and two private studies that have turned up abuse and mismanagement in the federal contracting system.
Kerry sent letters to the Department of Defense, the State Department and the Small Business Administration Thursday asking about the error.
''Lack of oversight of contracting programs within the federal government is allowing companies like AEY Inc. to erroneously access hundreds of millions of dollars in contracts as an SDB,'' Kerry wrote to SBA Administrator Steven Preston. The lapses are ``undermining a program created to level the playing field for small disadvantaged businesses.''
The SBA in Washington says it has no record that AEY ever applied for SDB status.
AEY would not comment, and Diveroli's lawyer did not immediately return calls.
A review of the Federal Procurement Data System, which provides information on government contracting, found AEY was first identified as an SDB in June 2006 by the State Department and Army. It ultimately received the SDB designation 33 times on contracts worth $224 million. The company received another 19 awards during the same period without being labeled an SDB.
In the past, government auditors have blamed such errors on ''miscoding'' and typos.
''That's the same excuse the government has been using for the last six years,'' said Lloyd Chapman, president of the American Small Business League, which follows contracting issues. ``It's not accidents, it's not data entry errors, it's a well-orchestrated attempt to misrepresent the volume of contracts that go to small businesses and minorities.''
The government has the goal of channeling 23 percent of all contracts to small firms and 2.5 percent of contracts to SDBs. SDBs are usually owned by blacks, Hispanics, Asians or Native Americans. Other ethnicities can qualify only if they show a ''preponderance of evidence'' that they are disadvantaged.
While the government routinely misses its small business goal, it has done better hitting the SDB target.
In fiscal 2006, the most current year available, SDBs won $23 billion worth of contracts, or 6.8 percent of all government contracts.
But Chapman said there's evidence those figures are bloated with firms like AEY.
''For everyone that's caught there are hundreds that get away with it,'' he said.
Similarly, a 2005 investigation by The Miami Herald found that of the top 20 small-business contractors in Florida, more than half exceeded the SBA's basic definition of a small business.
AEY hit the news last month when an Army contract worth up to $300 million was suspended after it was discovered the company was allegedly passing off aging Chinese-made ammunition as Hungarian.
The bullets were destined for Afghanistan, but the transaction may have violated a ban on sales of Chinese munitions to the U.S. government. Now Diveroli is under criminal investigation and expected to appear before a congressional committee later this month.
''Faulty contracting procedures and deficient safeguards are no excuse for putting troops in Afghanistan and Iraq in greater danger,'' Kerry wrote. ``The Bush Administration needs to explain how and why this mistake occurred . . . and what steps they are taking to make sure that it never happens again.''

Monday morning

2008-04-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

I usually am fine with mornings. I would even say that sometimes I am a "morning Person." But that was not the case this morning. You see, I'm really tired. I hit the snooze button 5 times. I did not want to get out of bed, which left me with a very short amount of time to get ready for work. I didn't want to come to work at all, but I have a lot of things to do and since I am responsible I didn't pretend I was sick.

Oh yes, and my ~~starvation~~ vacation diet officially started yesterday. That might be another reason why I'm so tired. I woke up starving. And now I'm drinking metabolism revving green tea and eating my lower sugar oatmeal still not feeling energized. I'm already wondering what time I can leave the office so I can go to the gym and run on the treadmill for as long as I can. Cry.

And FYI--I didn't see the Rock of Love 2 finale because I fell asleep. Crap. And I think my computer is broken, again. Great. How am I supposed to charge my I Pod now?

One word and a post script

2008-04-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

YUM.

Of course, I still prefer my bf over Mr. Jackman, and especially after this weekend.

TGIV

2008-04-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

That's right people....thank God its Vacation!!!! After much discussion, we've finally made a decision! We're (me and the bf) going to the Dominican Republic! Yea! I can't wait.

Sun, sand, pool drinks, uninterrupted time with the bf, me in a bathing suit. Wait, did I just say "me in a bathing suit?" Holy crap. The ~~starvation~~ vacation diet has officially started. I vow to lose between 5-10 pounds before DR trip, preferably 10. I've put this off for long enough. I'm serious this time. Otherwise I might have to ban cameras from the trip and I really don't want to do that. Especially because I've heard how beautiful it is down in the DR. I posted a pic up here so you all can get jealous.